[Crandall] Moonday the 7th of Septembre, 1800
We embarked at Don1 this mourning & met a set of Rapid’s that took some doing to surpass, for we had to disembark from Reason & drag her across the Rapids with Ropes pulled by our Men. The River is very low this time of year due to the Refraction of Light that no doubt happen’s at the Grate Lake which is it’s supposed Source, all tho no one has ever been there which causes the waters of said Lake to dry up from entropick plenitude which creates a Grate Cloud over our Continent which in turn creates the season of Winter2. We hope to see the Grate Lake in person relatively soon & drink of it’s purported life-elongating properties. As we was pulling Reason the Hull skraped against the Rox & let out a terrible Shriek that jarred the Brains of all the Men & our Mascot Herakles did howel as if his Dog Deity were being tortured. In Deed we thought some permanent Dammage had been done to Reason but thankfully so far as we could see none had. Having overcome the Rapids we reboarded Reason & past two small River’s on the north side & an island on the south side which we could not find on our Mapps, calling the two Rivers Harmodius River & Aristogayton River respectively for the two early champions of Demockracy, & the Island Hipparchus Island, after the Tyrant they sleighed3. A few mile’s farther down the River a distant Ryder was spotted by my Commrad Murrey thru his Spy Glass coming at topp speed from the Southwest. The Rider, dressed in black cappappie4 finally reached the River where he halted his Hoarse5 at the edge of the bank & saluted us with the slow, ominous waving of his blackgloved Rite Hand. We could not detect his face for it was covered up with a scarf even tho it was quite worm6, but we saluted him in similar Fashion for whom ever he was he seamed to mean no Harm. We then expected him to yell out what it was he wanted but he only saluted us again, so we resaluted him in response to his resalutation & he replied with another salute. We then shouted out to him, axxing him what in Hades it was he wanted of us, & he saluted his salute again. “Speak, Man! For we have waxxed tired of all these Pant O’ Mimes!” I roared, & he did not speak but rather dug in to his Jacquet & extracted an Envelope which he held up to indicate that it was intended for us. So rowing over closer to where this Living Spector was while orduring the Men to have their Arms at the ready for we distrusted both the Appearance & the Silence of this Stranger, Sergeant Hu was despatched to leap out of Reason & he climbed up the Bank to where the Black Rider was. Which took some doing since the River Bank kept crumbling under his Feet & Hands as he sought stability but zero stability could he find, pour retch, as he cursed up a Storm to the general amusement of the Rest of the Men. Finally Hu made it to the Topp breathless & begrimed, & the Black Ryder who had not said a Word nor offered a lending Hand nor even bothered to dismount after bending down to place the Letter in Hu’s Hand abruptley turned round his Mount & rode away at a fullsome Gallup. Hu returning to Reason slid & rolled down the embankment in Billowz of Dust cursing his Hart out was brought back on bored & set the Letter in our Hand’s which read thus:
Twosday the 1st of September, 1800
To Capts. Phillip Crandall & Samuel Murray—
We have received extensively corroborated Intelligance that our Iberian Rivals have sent an Emissary to intercept you & disrupt your Progress. As you know, the Iberians have long claimed the recently purchased Lands as their own, but since we outbid them & the Tsar transfered all Rights to us, we believed that our Claim was firm & that all Controversies of ownership had ceased. Sadly, this is not the case. For we have learned that Rey Gregorio III has specifically tasked the infamous Don Hilario Aquileo Guantanamo Garcia Mataperros, better known under his much shorter nom-de-guerre “El Gordo,” to waylay you, sabotage you, incite the Autochthones against you—whatever he can do to convert your Expedition into a Failure. We have no Information about the current where-abouts of El Gordo nor his exact strategy. Neither can we give you any clear description of his Appearance or Manners—but since El Gordo roughly translates as “The Fat Man” or “Fatty,” we can say with some Certainty that he is rotund, so be especially cautious around any Man you meet who could perhaps stand to shed a few Pounds. May the Godz be with you & may they avert all our Enemy’s Subterfuges.
President Ian Torso
After conferring with my Cumrad Moray about the El Gordo Situation we agreed to tell the Men about this New Threat at once & so read the above Letter to them aloud. We proceeded on upriver till we encamped on the north side of the River, having come Twenty Anglickan Miles this Day.
[Crandall] Tuesday the 8th of September, 1800
We arose just before Sonrize the majority of the Men vary sluggish & troubled by Disspepsia, so our departure was delayed until midday. I questioned our Cook Servantes about the Cleanliness of the Meet7 served last night & he replied that he was vary thoro in his Cooking & that perhaps the River water caused this intestinal discomfort—a reasonable enuff Supposition. We espied a large Heart8 with the largest rack I’ve ever seen drinking on the north side of the River but despite all our Gunmen shooting at him he escaped unscathed into the forest—& I was happy in my Hart9 that he had done so, such a gallant beest did he appear & may the Godz him prosper. Having no fresh meet to dine upon this Nite we in stead bequieted our Hunger with Travel Waivers10. We encamped on the south side of the River having past one long, slender island just before encamping which we named for obvious Reasons Heart’s Escape Island having made but only 15 Anglickan Miles’s Progression today.
[Murray] Whens-Day the 9th of September, 1800
Proceeded-on at Dawn. Passed the mouth of a River on the South-Side in the morning. Named it Herakles River in-honour of our Dog because near the mouth of this River Herakles spotted a Furry-Animal & leapt-out of the Boat & rushed after it with maximal-gusto. He dis-appeared for some-time so we begun to wax wondrous-worrisome about him. But he soon returned with the Animal in his Mouth & inspecting this Specimen which he reluctantly reliquenched we found it resembled no-thing in these United-State’s. My Co-Captain Capt. Crandall sketched it in his sketch-book after taking it’s measurements. We did not eat of it so wondrous-odd was it’s appearance. And in-deed the Men would not even tolerate it’s Presence but insisted that we fling it over-board11. Encamped on the north-side of the river. Our hunters brought back 2 Doe’s & a Fawn for dinner tonight, which the Men relished. Came 20 Anglickan-Miles this day.
[Crandall] Thorsday the 10th of Septembre, 1800
The Men suffer again from extremely sour Stomacks, so we decided to stay here until their Health’s improve. For either the water of the Grate River does not agree with them or some Thing in the Meet of the Dear12 around here is unsympathetick to our System’s. I my Self suffer grately & the Torments I undergo are like those of manloving Prometheus’s chained upon the Caucasian Rock accept13 in stead of my Livre being molested it’s my Bowelz. In Deed I am tempted to go Pantsless because my constant shitting practically makes them superfluous. My Cumradd Muray & my Self have thus decided to deprive the Men the Meet of Beasts upon the supposition that it is the culprit of the Diaria, suppositioning that perhap’s the peculiar diet of the Beasts hereabout’s bestows a hostile humour to their Flesh perhap’s as a sort of Posthumous Defence Mechanism. For the Men much like I must trot to the Bushes every Ten Minuets14 or so & a most unholesome smell hover’s around our Encampment. Our recedent15 Orpheos Elston Gonne was ordured to play some Musick for us in ordure to take our Mind’s off our Stomach’s & so he serenaded the Men which in Deed did much to disspell their disquietude. One such song was a most melancholickal one, the Lyricism of which I reproduce here:
The Last Kind Word’s I heard my Daddy say
Yes, the Last Kind Word’s I heard my Daddy say
If I dye16, if I dye in the Trojan War
Want you to have my Armour & my Ancestral Sword
If I get killed, if I get killed please don’t burn my Sole17
Prefer you leave me out, let the Bussard’s eat me hole18
If you see me coming across the grain filled Plane19
Well, it’s just my Ghost, don’t let it cause you paine
I went to Dodona, I looked up at the God
Cried, let me live, Zeus where Man’s feat20 have never trod
My Mentor he told me just before he dyed
Precious Charge of Mine, don’t you be so wilde
The Xanthus River you know it’s both deep & wide
If I stand rite here I can’t see you from the Other Side
What you do to me, baby, it never gets out of me
I’ll see you againe when the Furies set me free
Black Rider Illustration by Mark Cousin
Mystery Creature Illustration by Quin Cousin
Dawn
Crandall’s scientific explanations here will be, as the reader shall see, debunked by the Expedition itself.
Slayed
Cap-a-pie
Horse
Warm
Meat
Hart
Heart
Wafers
Sadly Crandall’s sketchbook has been lost and we have no idea what this mysterious animal was.
Meat of the deer
Except
Minutes
Resident
Die
Soul
Whole
Plain
Feet