Crandall’s entry for July 22, 1802 continues…
I’m speaking of coarse of El Gordo, which as the Reader may remember is a Misnomer ironickally bestowed for he is usually as skinny as a Reade1. Yet now here he was all most living up to his Name, for he was looking notabley moor plump, moor filled out in the Fascial Area, appearing to possess a Beer Bellie as well which is why I did not immediately recognise him for who he was. Not until he uddered, “Soy yo, Don Hilario Aquileo Garcia Guantanamo Mataperros! Yo say que parezco mas panzota ahora. Es porque soy el Rey acqui! Puedes creerlo?! El Rey del Bosque, me llaman. El Rey del Bosque! O Dioses Mios! But forgive my Kastillian! How have you all been since last we met?” Godssmacked to the extreme I knew not what to say while to my Immediate Rite GSW emitted a strange chirruping Noise & immediately burst out of the Crowd & in to the Arms of her beloved El Gordo. “Tranquila, tranquila, Mi Amour!” said El Gordo as he was embraced most strongly & peppered with Kisses. “You see, Captain? You see what you have done?” said the Iberian unto me over the Shoulder of GSW. “In trying to keep us apart you have only brought us closer together. For Love that faces Barr’s & Obstackle’s only waxes stronger—& Forbidden Love’s are the sweetest of all!” I could only stammer in monosyllables for as I said I was most dumbstricken—for not only was it difficult to fathom just what he was doing here but also what pour Gunne had to do with him or what was in store for us all. My Immediate Thought was that we was as good as Dead, for surely our longtime Nemesis now being King would not allow us to escape unscathed. The Crowd mean while waxxed even moor boisterous & vociferous then before & GSW soon recollecting her Self set her Self on El Gordo’s Knee & enformed the Throng about her Relation’s with their King & their shared Passed Hystery. Look’s of aw & mumbels of wunder tremulated thru out the Crowd. “Surely our God hath wrought this!” declared many a Tong. “His Way’s are mysterious & manifold!”—but I was only to know this later, for at the time it appeared to me meer babeling. I then begged GSW to return unto us & resume her Roll2 as our Interpretess but she did not heed me but continuated to talk both to the Autochthone’s & El Gordo & I could not secure nary a Word in edgewize. So having no better Option I strode fourth & demanded of her to tell the Crowd that we would be taking our Compatriot Ellston Gunn back with us now & that if she wanted to stay behind with her Paramour the King of the Forest well that was her Business. But before she could El Gordo just chuggled & said, “I’m afraid it won’t be that easy, Capitan.” And pointing up toward’s the Upper Level of the Building one could see Numerickal Archer’s lining the Upper Deck’s with Arrowz notched in their Bowz. And then some Yeung Men stepped fourth with Spears near unto us & smiled sly Smile’s which basickally said, “’Twould be udder Foley3 to try any Thing. And should you be so rash as to attempt some Thing I shall have no compunction but to sleigh you even tho I kind of like you & we mite even be Friend’s under more Propitious Circumstance’s. But I have my Duties to perfourm as we all do, our various parte’s to play in this Grand Drama, & isn’t Life just funny that Way?” Cursing the Iberian for his treachery, I was about to unsheathe my Pistole & Sabre at the selfsame time resolving to Sell our Live’s most expensively. But El Gordo then said, “Tranquilo, Gringo, tranquilo! You’re life is not in Danger! But mine most certainly is! I may be King but I am a Thrall to my Office!” I axxed him what in Hades he meant by that & he continued, “No, you’re life is not in Danger, neither is that of Mi Amour’s, nor what’s her name over there? Kuntler? But I’m afraid that of what’s his name is. Gong? The One who was all ways singing those Abominable Song’s, correct? Well, his Life & my Life are definitely in Danger & shall be weighed in the Balance on the Marrow4 at High Noon. And a Fatefull Day it shall be, One of us to never look upon One Prime Meridian ever again!” Vehemently I begged for clarification, moore pertinant detail’s, &c., &c., & the Iberian appeared to relish this slow release of Information on his parte which was causationing me such Mental Anguish I can’t even begin to describe. “Have you heard of Damockles?” he axxed, a Wan Smile slowly growing on his Face & I told him that but of coerce I had as had any Amerikaan School Childe for it is one of the first Fable’s we is taught in school in ordure to emplant in us a naturalle abhorrance of Monarchism. “So then you know my Plight, which is actually much worse then Damockles’s for my Doom is certain as soon as One mightier in Body or even just plain luckier than me present’s his Self.” I enformed him that he was yet talking in Rydell’s5 to which he just axxed, “Tell me, Capitan, has como se llama? Gung? How has Gung over there been healthwise of late? Has he been sick? Has he injured his Self at all? What has his Diet consisted of?” I axxed why he was axxing & he said, “Never mind. I can see that all tho he appear’s to be a bit stunned at all the Special Treatment he’s receiving that he is in Good Health. So much the worse for me. For in the past two month’s or so I’m afraid I have let my Self go as the saying goe’s having stumbeled in to a verifiable Slough of Despondancy. I should of been in training this Hole Time readying my Self for the Trialz to come but I did not think a Challenger would arise quite so fast & I’m afraid I overindulged in all the Dainties afforded to me as King. Oh well, los Hombres proponen perro los Dioses disponen!” It did not require an Eisenstein to infer what the True Scenario was all about, for I adjudged that this Village adhered to Similar Tradition’s as the Other People’s whose names I never did get the name of just before we entered in to the Dessert Landz—but with a critickal Twist: for where as those other two Rotund Monarch’s could expect to be cut down like Phatted Calves as soon as Thing’s went south for their People in this Case I inferred that a Duel was to take place betwixt El Gordo & Gunn, & either El Gordo would kill our recedent Orfeos & maintain his Title or else visa versa Gunne would exceed6 to the Throne till some other “Yeung Gunn” came along to challenge him & either dye in the Attempt or else replace him. In Deed objectivistickally speaking there is much Whizdome in this Methodism of choosing One’s Lieders but yet the Humanist inside of me recoil’s from such Cruel Way’s of Doing Thingz. Casting my Eye’s back over at Gone who is a good albeit idiosyncronistickal Musician as well as a moor then aqueduct7 Backwoodsman I kind of misdoubted that he would be abel to overcome El Gordo in cingular combatance for he appear’s to lack a Certain Guilefullness which I think is a necessary quality to have in such Circumstance’s yet as far as brutte fisickal strength goe’s I should think that he had the Uppermost Hand. I then instructed GSW to tell the assembled Autochthone’s that they had better let Gunnn free instantaneouslie or else our Auxiliaries who numbered in the Hundered’s would come in & massacrate them all. But to my Emmense Frustration GSW refused to relay this Information at the behest of her Iberian Paramour who held her as a Poppet upon his Knee & said, “Capitan, your waisting you’re Breadth! Accept Reality as it is unto presented to You!” Cursing our Fates & the Fates in General I then made cignal’s to Jean to make her excape & notify the Other’s of our Plight but she was surrounded on all side’s by Autochthones who had preanticipated this Strategem. These Autochthones are most modestly dressed by the Way with Animal Skeins covering nearly every Anglickan Inche of their Bodies which must be quite uncomfortable in this Sommertime Heet. Seeing that all Bodily Resistance was feudal8 I then demanded that GSW tell the Autochthones that I proposed to serve as Dualist9 in Gone’s place—for after all I was the Head of our Party while he was just a Subornidate that had had the missfortune to walk in to the Village ahead of me. El Gordo this Time for what ever Reason allowed this to be translated, perhap’s reckoning that I was not quite as fisickally fit as our recedent Orpheos so I would be moor easily overcome. Or perhap’s he felt that facing off against One closer to him in Social Stratification would be moor desirable these Iberian’s being much moor concerned with Matter’s of Status than us freewheeling Amerikaan’s is. In Deed so grate was his Desire to fight me that seeing that GSW’s Word’s had had Little Affect he remonstrated with the Autochthones him Self in a Torrent of incomprehensible Syllogism’s10. I would of liked to of heard his Reasoning, for what ever it was it was most affective, for I was soddenly grasped by a Docen Hand’s so that I could not move of my own Volition & I watched as Gonne was rather rudely pulled off his Throne & pushed in to the Maddening Crowd while I was deposited in to it’s Vacancy. All most instantaneouslie I had various Dainties thrust in to my Face & Lap by the Handz of the Beauteous Yeung Maiden’s who had lately waited upon Gun while at the selfsame Time my Weaponry was stripped from me. I was in a State of no Miner11 Alarum but I tried to retain my Composure for I knew any Resistancy was as feudal12 as Hades. As Food was crammed in to my Mouth I began to dwell upon my Situation & I realised that the Principle Cause for Concern in this whole Scenario was not if I should lose but if I should win. For if I lost I presumed that that would be the End of it & the Rest of the Corpse could venture on their Marry Weigh13 where as if I emerged triumphant I would be doomed to a Life of Servitude masquerading as Sovereignty till the next unlucky Outsider wandered in to these Precinct’s. In Deed I knew not which eventuality appeared worser unto me, & it was plane as Proverbial Day that I would be a Looser14 no matter what which cast me in to a Deepsome Gloom. I begun to curse these Imen’s (for I had learnt that that was these People’s Name) who in all their Ignourance had latched on to a most grotesque & absurd manure15 of selecting a Lieder yet upon further Rumination there was not a little Whizdome in it: for not only are witt’s & prowess in Battaile positive Facet’s of a Lieder of Men but an Outsider also bring’s with him a different perspective of looking at Thingz which mite lead to some Beneficial Innovation’s. For a Kulture after all fossilises after a while & wither’s away with out some occasionalle injection of the Novelle, & by the gradual accretion of these Alien Influence’s a Society experiences Progression on Several Important Front’s. In Deed the Possibilities was well nigh illimitless & I begun to form a Plan for Reformations in this Imen Society as if I had all ready emerged triumphant from Tomarrow’s Dual16 & been crowned Benine Dictator. But then just as quick I begun to foursee my own Death at the Hands (or rather Hand in the cingular since as the Reader may remember he’d been bereft of a member) of the Iberian who’s nonchalance as he carassed GSW who was bobbing upon his Knee seamed to me to be an Oman that his vary lack of concern would ensure his Triumph. And I waxxed most nervous & melancholickal yet I attempted to look on my Existence as some Thing that had merely been temporarily leant me & now was being axxed to return it as per the dictation of Kleosiddarthos17. But such Cogitation’s was interrupted by the rather ruff treatment I begun to be the Victim of: for I was stripped of my Clothes by the Maidens who was giggeling as the Food they had earlier set on my Lapp flew in all Directions & then they tossed Hot Water on my Head with a Laff & begun to rob18 me all over with a Substance we had earlier encountered amongst the Miarphe’s which created a sort of Foam when both water & friction was applied & it smelt sort of pleasaunt not unlike Flourers19 but the Name escape’s me at the moment20. More Water was then dumped upon me & I was left to just air dry there for a while as the Maidenz then commenced to ply me with Food again giggeling in a most comely manor as they thrust various Breads & Phruits & Scrap’s of Meet in to my Mouth while mean while I saw that Gunne was being stripped of the Raiment that had been bestowed up him to be transferred to me. His old Clothes was then unceremoniouslie caste in a Heep at his Feat along with his Other Accountrament’s including his Guitar & then I was helped in to these New Clothes which was mostly Deerskin with fringes & beads & some strange charactures painted on various place’s which I’m sure had some sort of Socioreligious Cignificance. My hair was then combed with a rather Ornate Wooden Comb & then one of the Maids who possessed longish fingarnails leant down & begun to pluck out some of my Nose Heir’s21. The Paine was appreciable but & in Deed this lithesome grinning Lass appeared to take pleasure in it abruptly yanking out my Nose Heirz even going so far as to stryde fourth & exhibit some of them to the appreciative Crowd who broke in to a pleased mermer when there was a notably long or thicksome One. My Eyebrows was similarly landscaped till the Maidenz by so many gestures indicated that their work was done & motioned for me to get up & display my Self to every One. I hesitated at first for I found all of the above some what humiliating as would any One—but the Maidenz, my harsh yet beauteous Tasquemaster’s, begun to berate me for my Recalcitrance & beat me about the Head with Open Palm’s. So like a Goode Boy I got up & displayed my Self unto the Crowd & another mermer was produced while El Gordo conceded that “Eres guapo, Capitan! Eres guapo! Y luces mas joven tambien!” I was finally allowed to sit & was plied with more Food while the Crowd slowly dispersed & exited the Habitation at the behest of the Band of Fierce Yeung Men wielding Weaponry. Additionally I was plied with a phruity beverage cool & sweet which in all of my Innocency I presumed was but Holesome Juice but I soddenly realised that I was thoroughly inebriated. Thus engaging in animated discursiveness with El Gordo who yet sat next to me with GSW perched upon his Knee he revealed unto me that when the Avalanche had hit he had taken the Opportunity to give us the Proverbial Slip for he was weary of Wintertime & also growing weary of our Companie. “Of coarse it broke my Hart in Twain to leave my Garter Snake Woman but I had to be true to my Self. And I knew we would meet againe. And in this I was not mistaken. The Godz have seemingly decreed that you’re Party & I must encounter & reencounter One an Other so entertwined are our Fate’s is, crashing in to one an Other & being flung back from the Impact till the Force which made us collide reasserting it’s Self the Action is repeated ad infinitum. But Tomorrow our Collision’s shall come to an End & all shall be decided definitively.” He went on to explicate that after having shed his Self of our Companie he headed back down south to New Cartagenia but on the Way he had happened to steppe foote in this here Village & been subjected to the selfsame Treatment that I was now being subjected to, having been nabbed by the Imen & brung in to this very Hall & on the vary next day been forced to engage in Battel with some Randome Transiant from further to the West who had fled his Native Home for Reason’s Unknown & had rained as King of the Forest for perhap’s as long as a Decade till El Gordo came along & slew him. “But he appeared debilitated by some Unknown Ailment & he but halfhartedly defended his Self. In Deed I think he wanted to dye. But I trust you shall put up more of a Fight.” I enquired as to what Weaponry if any would be used & El Gordo said that we would each be furnished with sharpened stakes of about Three Anglickan Feat in length. I then enquired as to what Sway the Iberian actually possessed amongst these People & he said, “Nada, nada, y nada.” For he is King in Name only & is unabel to change any of the Law’s nor any of the Tradition’s these Imen’s abide by—it is not in his Pourer22 to do so neither can he abolish or add to or even slightly adaptate any of the Law’s either written or unwritten these Imen’s possass nor doth he possass the Pourer to determinate on individual Cases’s. For there is a “Supra Advisory Bored23” constituated of about a Baker’s Docen of Elderz who pull all the Reel String’s around these Part’s where as he is just a Figure Head who is kept on the sidelines maintained like a prised piece of Lifestock, well fed & well cared for in every Capacity. “And I mean in every Capacity” perrorated El Gordo with a sly winque while making an obscene gesture with the Index Finger of his Rite Hand & the Thumb & Index Finger of his Left. GSW catching site of this appeared to blaunch, pour retch, probabley out of gealousie. “What if we both refuse to fight?” I then axxed & El Gordo chuggled & said, “I never knew you to be a Coward, Capitan! Any Way forget it for that would just Result in both our Death’s for as you have seen today & as you shall see Tomorrow these People have an appreciable Number of Warrior’s as well as Other’s who shall ensure that we fight & that it be to the Death.” Stealthily I looked about me & I could see the Ominous Cadre of Henchmen still hovering in the balconies above us keeping out a Sharpe Eye while ringing the Habitation on the Ground Flour24 was more grimm looking Fellow’s with Spears at the ready. As I’ve said these Imen’s is conservatively dressed exhibiting cignificantly less Flesh then their Autochthonickal Counterparte’s covered from Neck to Anklette, while also being different from Other Autochthone’s by askewing25 Full Beard’s in stead just cultivating Whisker’s, a Style coming in to Vogue just before my Departure from Warshingtown amongst the City’s Bohemian’s. “But seriously, Capitan,” said El Gordo who growing weary of dandelling GSW on his Knee rather precipitouslie shoved her off, “it’s about time we started reconciling our Selve’s to Aeternitie, don’t you think?” I told him he was correct about that much & so he proposed a Toast to the Grate Mystery in to which at least one of us was about to be caste. Apparently he was just as drunken as me by this Pointe & we then talked of our Apprehension’s & I confessed that same as ever I preferred to maintain the detached Cosmick View as it were which stated that any Thing Nature or Lyfe in general offered up to me was if not good at least indifferent. El Gordo’s face then bunched up & he spat saying “I obscenity in the milk of thy Cosmick View! Why don’t you please come down from those Olympian Height’s on which you sit & admit that what you are is scared? Scared to dive in to being fully Humane! You reject Humane Nature in that you feel it ignoble to give in to fear, anger, lust, greed, or any other Emocion or Passion that is part of who we are, in stead clinging to a Stoickal Fillosophy which in my Opinionation is the Fillosophy of Cowardz!” Punctuating which he spat upon the Flour with a vehemency that clean contradicted his earlier nonchalaunce. I must say I was taken abacque & felt like striking him but then I recalled that we was to fight a Dual to the Death on the Marrow any way & so I had better just reserve my Energies till then. So in stead I just said that staying true to my Amerikaan Haritage I wish my Self to be free from all Constraint’s, liberated from all Definition’s, aloof from all petty Politickal & Kultural Warfare, & all tho I vary well know Total Freedum is unobtainable at least in this World it was an Ideal well werth the pursuing of. To which the Iberian then said, “Ah yes, those Olympian Heighth’s of your’s exempt from all Influences so much so that you don’t even know what True Pleasure is which is why I call you Amerikaano’s Pescadoes Frios. Or in you’re Tong, All Potatoe’s & No Gravy. And so grate is you’re insensibility & hubris that you Amerikaanos think you’re even exempt from Hystery! Just imagine! Well let me tell you some Thing, Gringo: No One—but No One—is exempt from Hystery. And no one is exempt from Humane Nature!” ’Twas then that I realised I was now thoroughly irretrievably inebriated for this Juice what ever it was, it’s Alcohaulickal Properties really sneaking up on One. And bowied by my pleasaunt drunkenness I begun to laff. And so emmense was El Gordo’s Wraith26 & so grate was his Perturbation at this Ill Timed Mirth of Mine that he made a move to leap from his Seat & attaque me. But as if from out of No Where up stepped some of the Warrior’s who restrained him & flung him forcefully back in his Throne which caused him to vomit all over his Self, pour retch. And ’twas then that I came to the Resolution that I had better not partake of any moor Phruit Juice so as to maintain an Edge on the Marrow’s Dual. I then tried to determinate the whereabout’s of Coulter & Gonne but it seams they had either been forcefully ejected during the Time the Iberian & I was engaged in discursiveness or else they had vacated of their own Free Whillz, or even better yet they had managed to slip away & summon help from the Rest of the Corpse. But I dared not harbour such Fond Hope’s for I had decided to look Realitie squarely in it’s Misshapen Visage admitting there was a Fare Chance that my next Sleep after Tonite’s would be an Aeternal One. And so neckdeep in a Slough of Despondancy I began feeling udderly caste out from the Brother Hoode of Mann as I was led to a Bed under Armed Guard off to the side of the Habitation I was currantly in. But in Spite of all my Preoccupation’s it turned out that I had a most pleasaunt, profound, & unbroken Slumber.
Illustration by De Robles
Reed
Role
Utter folly
Morrow
Riddles
Accede
Adequate?
Futile
Duelist
Syllables?
Minor
See above.
Merry way
Loser
Manner
Tomorrow’s duel
A paraphrase of The Analects of Kleosiddarthos 4.23.2.
Rub
Flowers
The word Crandall is looking for here is soap.
Hairs
Power
Supervisory board
Floor
Eschewing, presumably.
Wrath, presumably.