"I’m just kicking my-self that I didn’t get you with Child before leaving..."
September 19-24, 1800
[Crandalll] Mooneday the 19th of September, 1800
Moray, Dillion, & Coltier returned from the Rehsa Village at roudabout Noon & we made our embarkation shortly there after. We bade Topp Hat a fond goodbuy & he seamed much vexxed to see us go—in Deed there was the hints of Tearz sparkling at the Coroners1 of his Eyes, pour retch. I remarqued unto him that our Mutual Infirmity of Melancholickal Despair can either redound to our Glory or our Abjectness & that Despair can be a good Motivatour & beneficial Egger On if kept with in its Proper Limit’s that is. I told him to therefour be of good Hart & greet each New Day as a Wunder & a Blessing & to carve out Meaning where ever & when ever he can catch as catch can. If only I could heed my own Admonitions! We ventured further up the Great River, passing several small Island’s with signs of Beaver & a small streem on the northern side which we named Top Hat River in honour of our recent Salvager. We despatched the Kaye Brothers out to hunt & in the late afternoon Dan’l came running breathlessly up to the River Bank in ordure to inform us that they had shot three Peasants2 & a Stagg & a Dough about one Anglickan Mile distant inland. Sergent Hu & Private’s Delancey & Essex helping to retrieve the Game we had a Feast at our Encampment free from the Spectour of Indigestion. To commemorate the Thwarting of El Gordo’s Fiendish Schemata’s we allowed the Men two dramm’s of Ardent Spirit’s apiece. Dillon regaled us with his Guitar, the Men did daunce, & soddenly3 a New Energy & Ambition entered in to the Corpse that seamed to proclaim that our Expedition shall be crowned with Sucksessfullness. We came Twenty Anglickan Miles this Day.
[Crandall] Tuesdaye the 20th of September, 1800
All arose late because of last Night’s Carousal & we expended the mourning jerking our meat. Setting off after Brunch we met some Rapid’s which required the towing of our Vassal4 & the strenuousness of it was compounded by swarm’s of Gadflies which descended upon us in the breezeless aire & they feasted upon our Manflesh as if we was Rattan Meet5. We axxed that the Men delve deeply with in them Selves to summon up the Fortitude to press on & in this we was not disappointed. Alaruming news was brought to us by Seargent Hu who told us that the Theft of Travel Waivers6 continuate’s unabated even after the Exit of our Nemeses Cervantes whom we had supposed to be the Culprit. We past two streams emptying in to the Grate River on this day, both on the south side & we named them Democracey River & Anarchey River, two different formats of Goverment & encamped on the north side of the River having journeyed Thirty Anglickan Myles this day.
[Crandall] Whensday the 21st of September, 1800
We set out with the Rising Son this mourning & soon found the River to be exceedingly twistsome & turnsome maeandering in such a Wilde Fashion that at Time’s we found our Selves travailing directly to the West. We sent out the Kayes to do some hunting telling them to cut across the Lande & meet us up ahead. The Countrey continues flat & gassy7, with some Trees—Cottonwood I think—but no Bison with in our Ken nor no site of any Game what so ever. We met two Gallick Trappists8 who was headed back to the United States because the Nads are waxxing obstreperous they said, & they instructed us to be wary as Hades of them because they had bearly excaped with their Live’s after a recent encounter with a Cadre of them. The Trappist’s related how one of the Nad Warriors, a yeung man with but fuzz still on upper Lipp soddenly ran up to one of them, thrust his face rite up close to the Gaul’s Face, & made Obscene Noises for several Minuets9 in an obvious attempt to rile him up & commence a Scrap. But the Gaul ignoured these Antiques10 & went about his Business, & the Yeung Nad was over heard to say unto his Commrade’s (the Gaul being some what conversant in the Nad Tong), “These Foreigner’s have neither Pride nor Sense. They’re worse then Wymyn.” Coultier for some Reason took emmense offense to this last comment & begun to berate the Trappist for it who replied that he was just reporting what had been said. After hearing this aneckdote we admonisht the Men to suckcumb to no such provokations from the Autochthones—that our suckcessful reaching of the Great Eastern Ocean is of Penultimate Impourtance & that suchlike Pissing Contest’s was to be shunned like the Pestulance. Bidding the Trappists ado we continuated on till Dusque & despite having traveled over Thirtey Anglickan Miles this Day we calculated that we had made less then a Mile’s Easterly Progress as the Crowe flies, so winding the River is. To our Consternation our Hunter’s the Brother’s Key did not return this Nite.
[Crandalll] Thorsday the 22nd of September, 1800
We embarked in the midmourning getting a tardey start because we had Hope’s that the Kaye Brother’s, whom we had dispatched out hunting early yesterday would return unto us but return unto us they did not. The Party much preoccupied for them feared that they had met with some of the Nads. We fired our Canon to signalise our location but we heard no shots in return so we disconsolately made our way upstream the River still extremely curvatious. From Time to Time our Men cried out as they rowed, “Franz! Dan’l! Franz! Dan’l!” but to no avail. I my Self shot numerickal Peasants11 as I walked alongst the Shore next to Reason & tossed them over to the Men in the Boat, most of them hitting the Mark accept12 One for I had undershot it & it floated downstream. The Corpse was much amused by this Pasttime of trying to catch the hurled Dead Byrd’s but later I cursed my Self for waisting the Life of one of these simple Creatures whose Existance I had squanderd with out it at least having satisfied the Hungar of our Corpse. We encamped on the North Side of the River after having come Twentey Anglickan Miles this Day not as the Crowe flies mind you since the River is still extremely windy. The Kaye Brothers is still absent, troubling us much while also the mysterious depletion of our Travail Waivers continuate’s unabated.
[Murray] Frye-Day the 23th of September, 1800
Decided to tary here for at-least one day more for to give the Kayes Bros. a chance to catch-up with us. That’s assuming they are behind us & not ahead of us. Sgt. Hu & Pvts. Delancy & Essex ventured out to secure Meat & also to keep an Extra-Eye out for the Kaye’s. They returned in the after-noon Kaye-less but not meat-less. Said they had slain a Bison & a large Wild-Dog about 2 Anglickan-Mile’s from here. My Co-Captain Captain Crandall, Dillion, Delancy, & Essex went out to fetch the Meat & when they brought it back we commenced to jerk it. Crandall spent the after-noon examining the Plant-Life near the River on his Hands & his Knees, collecting a Few Specimin’s to bring-back to Warshingtown. Where-as I sat me down & began penning a letter to my Bespoken. If we should have the luck to encounter more Trappers or Traders I shall request that they see to it’s Deliverance. The text of the letter is included here:
Fry-Day the 23rd of September, 1800
My Dearest Maggie:
Here I sit on the banks of the Great-River, some one-thousand Anglickan-Miles from where you are. Thus-far we have been fortunate-enough not to lose any Men or to encounter any serious Set-Back’s. But we did have a close-call with a wondrous-wily Iberian they call El Gordo. Which means “Fatso” in the Iberian-Tung. Any-Way, I’ll bore you with the Detail’s upon my return. I’m writing to you now because you’ve been on my Mind ever since we said good-bye. Both because of your countless Charms & because I think & re-think about my Parting-Words to you. Looking back on it I wish that I had stated my-self more clearly. That you are the only One for me & I hope that you feel the Same-Way. That 2 (or may-be 3) years is a long-time but it shall go-by wondrous-quickly. That if you have Intra-Course with another Man while I’m gone it would split my Heart in twain. That I vow to keep my-self Pure for you all during my Journey no-matter if a Circe or a Helen her-self offer’s her-self to me. That my Primary-Goal after reaching the Great-Eastern Ocean is to return to you to commence a Family. I’m just kicking my-self that I didn’t get you with Child before leaving. Not as any insurance of your fidelity mind-you but as assurance of your Memory of me.
Ever-Your’s,
Samuel
Took me a wondrous-long Time to pen this rather short Epistle. And after finally-finishing it decided to set-fire to it. The Kaye’s did not return today & we fear they are deceased.
[Murray] Saturn-Day the 24th of September, 1800
We have officially given-up on the Kayes-Bros., may the Godz help them. We suspect they was accosted by some Nads & met their Endz. Fired our Canon twice (one for each Kaye) & half-masted our Flagg & then proceeded-on. The River is slowly straitening-out & by early-afternoon we found our-selves travailing in a less or more Easterly-Direction. Mean-while the theft of the Travel-Wafers continuate’s unabated. We would put a man on constant-guard down in the Hold if we could but spare one. Coultier & East-Broadway went-out a-hunting & brought us back a Stagg. They also reported that they had espied Multitude’s of Bison’s far-off to the north but we dare not send our Hunters so far-away from Reason. We past one small river on the south-side which we named Franz’s River & another on the north-side which we named Daniel’s River in Aeternal-Memory of the Lost Twinz. Came 25 Anglickan-Miles this Day & encamped on a Sand-Barre on a Largish-Island which we call Kaye-Island. Included here is an Elegie that Delancey wrote for the Kayes which he recited this morning before we shot-off our Canons:
We do be-seech the Godzeses
To take good-care of our Kayeseses
The dear in-imitable Franzeses
And the equally-unique Danielseses
They was Brotherses
With but one Heartses
They could of been Kingseses
In Another-Life Timeses
But they were back-woodsmenses
Of lowly-parentages
But if the Theory of Pythagorases’s
Holds any Waterzes
They shall in-deed be re-born
As Emperourses
In anticipation of which
We here-by pay them Hommages
Good-by Franz!
Ado Dan’l!
See you on the Other-Side!
Guitarist Illustration by Mark Cousin
Cannon Illustration by Henry Cousin
Corners
Pheasants, presumably.
Suddenly
Vessel
Rotten meat
Travel Wafers
Grassy, presumably.
Trappers
Minutes
Antics
See above.
Except