[Crandall] Saturnday the 25th of September, 1800
We left our camp at Don’s1 Early Lite Kayeless & the land we pass thru remains flatt & grassy with you’re occasional Tree Grove. Our Hunter’s this day went on a Murthering Spree having slane a Docen Peasants2, Two Hearts3, Three Beaver, & a largish Tortoise. When we encamped for the Nite having progressed Twentey Nine Anglickan Mile’s this Day I encountered a Chimpmonke similar to those we possass in the West but this One had longer Heirs4 on it’s Ears—much longer in fact so that they begun to resemble Antena. I quickly sketched it as it sat on a fallen branch & regarded me in mute Indifference nibbling on a Nutt, so docile & unassuming these Animal’s seam to be not at all cagey no doubt do5 to their lack of Contact with Humanitey at Large. To further bolster this theorum at Dinar Time our recedent Orpheos6 was regailing us with a Little Nite Musick when up walked a Dough7 in to the radius of the Fyre Lite staring at him seemingly enchanted by his Song it’s Eye’s glistening & it’s tale waivering back & fourth. Of coarse we was tempted to murther it but we refrained from doing so & eventually it wandred off to who know’s where, pour retch.
[Crandall] Sonday the 26th of September, 1800
We set off vary early intent on making moor rapiduous Progress seeing as we have lost several Day’s in our Journeys because of the Keyes’ disappearance & of coerce8 the cursed El Gordo’s meddling not to mention the Maeandaring Nature of the River. The Whether now waxxes notably colder for this mourning you could see you’re Breadth. We past a Stream on the southside which we called Oligarchy River & an island of medium size which we named Plutocracy Island. Oligarcky & Plutockracy are two formats of Goverment which the United State’s previously was but now no longer is thanx be to the Godz. The Oligarcky Faze transpired in the first decades of the new settlement’s in the Newish World, each Province possassing a Group of Twelve Elderly Men who decided on every matter, ostensibly Wise in there Hoariness but really avaricious & out to benefit no one accept9 their own Families. Plutockracy then sprouted out from that when the Traitor’s10 & Merchantmen waxxed tired of the Oligarchs’s Sway, executing &/or imprisoning said Oligarch’s & thier Families establishing Limited Sufferance11 based on how much Property one owned which had to be rather substantial. In Time this Plutockracy became every bit as Oppressive as the prior Oligarcky for the majeurity of the Populace could scarcely earn enuff to survive & many fell in to insurmountable Debt’s ending in imprisonment &/or Indentured Servitude. As every One know’s there was then Revolution & it’s handmaiden Anarchey then sprung up like Thousand’s of bloodred Roses, censeless slaughter & factionalism, heads placed upon Pikes, some buried alive, &c., &c., the enraged Vulger Masses after murthering the Rich finally turning upon each other until the exhausted Survivour’s established a Demockracy, which one hope’s has broken this Constant Change of Format’s of Goverment for ever & shall last so long as the Son shines & the Grasses do grow12. For truly Democracy is the least vile of all Politickal Systems & the main thinge it’s got going for it is & also its principal flaw is that the People invariably get exactly what they deserve. We made Twentey Nine Anglickan Miles’s worth of Progression today.
[Murray] Moon-Day the 27th of September, 1800
The weather waxes wondrous-colder. Much sooner that we had planned. A pair of wet-sox I left out to dry last nite was as rigid as Hades in the Morn. Set-off just past Dawn. My Co-Capt. Capt. Crandall & my-self now ply the Oars in-order to make-up for the loss of the doomed Kaye Bros. Herakles is the only one at Leisure now, standing at the prow like a living Figure-Head. The Men continue to row with their Muskets well with-in Reach because the Friendliness of the Auto-Chthones in these here partes is a dangling question plus El Gordo remains at-large. Having jerked sufficient Meat in days previous we do not tary to hunt. We past this after-noon the Ruinations of what look’s like what was once a Massive-Fortress on the South-Side of the River. Vast stones heaped on one-another with Weeds & Trees now growing from the Wreckage. My Co-Captain Captain Crandall & I hopped-out to briefly to investigate & we are of the Opinionation that this Edifice was man-made. For there is a regularity & linearity to the work-manship which just scream’s Artificiality. For as we all know Nature abhor’s regularity & straight-lines & favour’s the un-even & the prodigal. What perplexes us tho is that the Auto-Chthone’s so far as we know have never been known to make such perminent Erections. For their Home’s all-most invariably is temporary due-to their Nomadick Life-Style’s13. Sat next-to Sgt. Hu who is a Real-Talker all of the day upon our Rowing-Bench. As we rowed he told me his Whole-Life’s History including all his multi-various Sexual-Exploit’s. Encamped this night on the South-Side of the river next to a small stream which empties into the Great-River which we called Ruination-River after our discovery enumerated above. We did come 30 Anglickan-Miles this day.
[Crandall] Twosday & Wennsday the 28th & 29th of September, 1800
My Comred Morry & me conferred with Sargent Hu this mourning & he said the pilfering of the Travel Waivers14 continues to ensue & that a small amount of Ardent Spirit’s plus considerable quantitties of Liquerish have also vanished as well. We cannot rightly fathom just who or what is responsible for this Depletion so I have taken it upon my Self to expend the Nite down in the Hold in Secrete to see if I can uncover the Culprit. It may just be that Reason is harbouring some special Species of Vermin which dine’s upon our Store’s at whill, which would not of coarse accompt for the loss of Ardent Spirit’s. If I am unabel to discry any Thing tonite then we shall have no other Option but to totally disladen Reason & search it’s every Kranny & Nook—some Thing which we is lothe to do because of the extra expenditures of Time & Labour such an undertaking would entale. The Men are yet libel to chock it up to Reasons Supranaturelle but hopefully thru thoro Investigation we shall disspell their Ignourant Credulity. We set out at First Lite & met a stream emptying in to the Grate River on the south side which we dubbed Aspasia River in honour of my deer Mother. Sizeable Blister’s have developed on my Hands from all the rowing so I saw fit to put on my Kidd Gloves in the afternoon which were a gift from said Mother. We espied no game nor no Autochthones today & the land remains as flatt & desolate as Hades save for the Grass & you’re occasional Tree. To my Shame & also my emmense Consternation my Daimon of Perversity exhibited it’s Self for the first time on this Tripp today but hopefully the last15. It began whispering to me about my Rifle which sat fully loaded at my side: What if, it said, I were to of a sodden set down my Oar, quietly pick up my Rifle & shoot the Mann directly in front of me which happened to be Private Essex? For in Deed the site of the back of his Head particularly where the Heir met the Neck had grown loathsome unto me for some Reason, with it’s rather pudgy rolls of Flesh bespeckled with various Gadfly bytes or else Acme which used Puss16 with wispy Strand’s of Auborne Heir waivering in the breese. What if I axxed my self my pent up Disgust was soddenly to manifest it’s Self in Act’s of Violence? What if I soddenly lost all Comptrol & unloded the Content’s of my loded Rifle in to the back of Essex’s Head or else perhap’s more simplistickally since the Rifle was too long just unsheathed the Sabre yet strapped to my Side & decapitalised17 him in one fell Slash? What would be the reaction of the other Men? How long would it take them to figure out that it was not an arrant shot on my part or slip of the Sword so to speak but a deliberate Act of Murther? What baffled cries of surprise & dismay could I expect to erupt from the Men? What expressions of Horrour would be painted upon my Comrad Murree’s Face? Would I then try to kill moore Men in defense or would I just immediately surrender? Would they instantaneouslie cut or shoot me down where I stood or rather sat or would they attempt to arrest me? Would the Expedition even continuate? If it were to continuate, would they drag me along as a Prisoner clear across the Continent or find it more convenient to execute me as the Days dragged by, thinking it pointless to do so as well as a useless Waist of Resources? What Conjecture’s would they make about this my Sodden Phit18 of Madness? Would they tell the Truth to my Mother & Precedent Torso or would they agree upon a Pleasaunt Lie to satisfy the doting Hart’s of those who profess to care about me back Home? Try as tho I mite to push these Disquieting Thought’s from my Mind I knew such Resistance only bestowed upon them Greater Power so as I continuated to paddel I just let them wash o’er me till my Mind grew bored with such selfconstructed Tragedies & slept as my Body push onward’s in it’s repetitious Sisyphaen Labour’s. And before I was totally aware of it it was Dusque & we was pulling in to a Sand Barre attached to a small Island where we was to encamp for the Nite. We called the Island Athena Island at the special request of Private Eastbroadway who is a devotee of the Goddess & wanted to honour her in some Way which we all thought a laudable Intention. We journeyed Twentey Five Anglickan Myle’s this day & all were terribley tired some not even bothering to dine before hitting the Proverbial Satchel. Yet I despite my Considerable Fatigue both Physickal & Mental in Skope did not dane to do so for as I have said it was my Plan to hide my Self on Reason to catch the Pilferer of our precious Stores. I told no One save for my Comrad Muray & we volunteered our Selve’s for the first Round of Guard Dutie seeing as the Men was so fatigued & all. Creeping down in to Reason attempting to make not a Sound removing my Boots first for just this Reason I deposited my Self upon a Barrelle with my Sabre at the ready. ’Twas as dark as the Under World down there sans any sort of Ventilation, silent as the Tumulous too save for the occasionall creeking of the Ship, & after a while a Strange Disembodied sort of feeling o’ertook One all most as if One found One’s Self back in the Womb. Calm as Thing’s seamed to be I did not fall asleep for as Time drug on I waxxed moore tense & in Deed fearfull & just as I was beginning to seriously entertain Thought’s of leaving I begun to detect a subtile breathing which I at first thought was my own, but when on Porpose I held my own Breadth I could still detect it. I then heard a slight Snort which I at first was sure emanated from some sort of Animal perhap’s an Rackoön or Opposem but this was quickly fallowed up with a tiny coff which was inmistakeably Humanoid in Tenour. Dredd bubbeling up with in me—so strongly does vile Suprastitiousness cling to the Humanoid Imagination—I then querously queereyed, “Whose there?!” “Fear not, Philipp,” a Woman’s Voice responded which sounded an offal19 lot like my Mother’s, “I shall not harm you. Only do keep quiet.” “Mother?” I said, Foole that I am. “No, Philipp, not you’re Mother. It is I, the Searess of New Delphi.” “The Searess? How can this be?!” I ejackulated confusion & anger rising up with in my Breastwerks as I fumbeled for a Lanthorne & struggled to lite it. In the mean time I heard a stirring not farr from me & a Hand genitally20 enclasped my Arm as the Voice begged me not to make so much Noise. Enflamed with Wraith21 both at my inability to incite the Lanthorne & because as Reason slowly regained her Throne it was becoming selfevident unto me that what we had here was you’re Classickal Case of a Stowe Away I violently grasped the Hand which grasped my Arm & dragged it up to the Deck of Reason. And by the munificent Moon Lite I could see that it was in Deed the Profitess22, with her plaid Robe (with a ragged edge which Herakles had taken a bite out of) & her ugly yet attractive Face with it’s arched eyebrows which leant her Visage a certain sauciness despite her supposed wholiness23. “What in Hades are you doing here?” I growelled, & the Searess once againe requested that I make no Noise before hearing her out. “By the Godz,” she said, “I had no other Option than to stowe away like this. I had hoped that the Gentile Persuasion’s of your Mother would work their Magick, but no Dice. You would not harken to Reason so I took it upon my Self to override you’re Authority as Captain, for there is a Higher Authority after all that being that of the Never Dyeing Godz. For they have chosen me to convert the Autochthones from their stiffnecked Monotheism to the One True Religion of Pantheizm.” At this I just laffed rather derisively & vowed there & then to send her packing back to Amerika Proper along with the first Trappists or Traitors24 we met with, for this was no Expedition for a Feemale & it was only out of Respect for her Status as a so-called Wholly Woman that we would not just leave her to fend for her Self rite here on this vary Island. She then grabbed me firmly by the Shoulder’s & looking strait in to my Face said the fallowing, “I don’t know how to express this without eliciting Laughter &/or Scorn, so I’ll just come out & say it: one of the Godz has empregnated me. Please spare me you’re Sarcastick Groan’s. One nite a couple of month’s ago, I awoke to a sudden burst of Lite & in front of this Blinding Lite I saw the dark shape of a Mann. In a Voice that seemed to be the Chorus of Docens he bade me to be not a-feared. He said he had heard my Prayers & that a Life of Import & Moment was to be bestowed upon me. He told me that it was my Density25 to plant the Seedling’s of Pantheizm in the East by means of his planting his Seedling’s with in me. I said spare me you’re Sarckastick Groan’s! He said our Childe would grow to be a New Demigod of the East who would establish a Kingdom of Peace, Love, & Understanding & that a New Era in Humane Civilisation would begin this vary Nite. So I let the God do his buziness. It was over pretty quick. He disappeared, I fell asleep, & I believed it had been but a Dreem. But then some weaks26 later I felt a Gradual Change in me. I confided in you’re Mother & told her of the God’s Visitation. I considered proclaiming this Mirackle to all but she would have none of it. ‘You know your Vows,’ she said. ‘They will assume it’s all a Dissemblation & that you copulated with a Humanoid Mann. As you know, the penalty for unchasteness in a Priestess is being buried alive. I want to save you from that, Deer. You deserve better than that.’ She then related how her only begotten Offspring was leading an Expedition to the East & that surely the Godz had meant for me to join you. It was no coincidance—I was meant to join you. And now you’re Expedition has now become more important than you could ever of imagined!” Heedless to say I was unimpressed by this Nonsense & placed zeroe creedance in not a Syllabull of it. I was additionally terribly roth27 both with her & with my Self for allowing such an Absurdity to ever have entered with in the Realmz of the Possibile. But seeing as how we could not send her back to her Death nor leave her defenseless in this Wilderness I acquiesced to her presence & only remarqued that I needed a little time to consider how I should reveal all this to the Corpse. I axxed her if she was the one who had been thieving from our Stores & she said yes. I assured her that she would be now receiving moor nourishing nourishment moore fitting for an Expectant Mother & told her to return to the Hold for a while & let me confer with my Comradd Mury. Murrey listened to my tail in his calm, indetifatigable Way & he agreed that it seamed that our Expedition had gained an Other Member at least for the Time being. We agreed that we should tell the Men as soon as possible so when Day braked we called all the Corpse to stand on the bank facing Reason & then I led the Profitess up onto the Deck which engendered audible Gasp’s from the Men. I reminded the Menn that the Searess was sacrosanked & that should any Salacious Hand even so much as brush the hem of her Garment the most merciless of Punishment’s would be inflicted upon said Hand. The Men to a Mann was extremely gladsome to have the Searess with us, for for the most parte they are a Suprastitious Lott & they rather liked the Thought of having a Member of the Clergy along to enact Sacrifices, take the Auspices, &c., &c. I fear such Ceremonies will only retard our Progress & disharten the Men should the Auspices ever be unfavourable, so I resolved to make a Secrete Pact with the Searess to ensure that the Auspices should always be favourable when we—that is my Cumrade Murry & me—decide they should be favourable & the apposite28 when we decide the apposite. The Ancient General’s after all similarly manipulated their Priests to prognostikate what ever they wished, & if it was good enuff for them it is good enuff for Us. Getting a some what late start we past the mouth of a small River on the north side which we saw fit to call Searess River in honour of our Newest Membress. We saw no game nor no Autochthones this Day having come only Nineteen Anglickan miles this Day. This Evening after dining I took the oppertunity to broach the topick with the Priestess of allowing my Cumradd Moray & me to be the True Arbiter’s of the Auspices but she balked at such a proposition adding that any Preistess who would so prostitute her Calling merited being buried alive. I now know we shall surely repent us of this Woman’s presence with us.
Illustration by Mark Cousin
Dawn’s
Peasants
Harts
Hairs
Due
Ellston Gonne
Doe
Of course
Except
Traders
Sufferage
Crandall rather conveniently forgets here that there was in fact a monarchy after this period of anarchy and before the democracy was established. In the 1740s distressed Amerikans who had had enough of the chaos and bloodshed begged King Arturius X of Anglia to reassert the Crown’s power in the Newish World by restoring order. Order was indeed restored and the Amerikans were grateful to the Mother Country for its help and happy to be once again under its control. But a generation later sentiment had turned against the King which ultimately brought about Amerikan Independence in 1777. Crandall’s wishful thinking that the establishment of Amerikan democracy would put an end to all political upheavals and continue into perpetuity turned out to be just that: wishful thinking.
In the Captains’ day it was a commonly-held belief that a more ancient and technologically-advanced civilization had once populated the expanses of the Amerikan continent before the Autochthonic Peoples, who were either the shattered remnants of this previous civilization or else had supplanted them. But modern research has determined that there is absolutely nothing to support this belief and as far as we know the “fortress” the Expedition encountered was a natural rock formation.
Wafers
Another bit of wishful thinking on Crandall’s part.
Acne which oozed pus, presumably.
Decapitate?
Sudden fit
Awful
Gently
Wrath
Prophetess
Holiness
Trappers or traders
Destiny
Weeks
Wroth
Opposite