[Crandall] Sonday the 14th of October, 1800
Of coarse we got a late start because of last nite’s Carousels1 & because of the Snow which asserted it’s Self starting in the early mourning Hour’s finding our Selves encaked in a solid Two Anglickan Inches of white stuff by Sonrize. It was not until midmourning that we set out & by this time the Snow had transmorgified in to Reign2, & as we glided up the River we all hardily wished it had remained Snow. The Corpse grimly rowed on while my Comrad Muree & me & of coerce Herakles sat upon the Poop scanning the Land for any Ensignia’s of Autochthones or Game or Barriers lurking in the Water. We passed a long, thin island which we called Shitty Whether3 Island & a small river on the north side which we named Shitty Whether Creeque. The Cold Bone Chilling Reign lasted thru out the Remains of the Day & we made our encampment on the north side of the River under an outcropping of stately but leafless Oaks. I gave the Searess my thick woolen blanket & so I shivered much of the Nite having journeyed Fifteen Anglickan Mile’s this day.
[Crandall] Moonday the Idez of October, 1800
We embarqued just after don4 & the day swiftly waxxed worm5, & by midmourning we had shed our Jacquette’s & was in our shirtsleeves. The level of the River rose with such a rapidity & furry6 that we was hardtaxxed to make any Progression what so e’er against it. My Cumred Murray & me both lent our hands to the Ores & the Wind disavantageouslie lending us zero help but rather blowing strait in our Faces we was eventually forced to wait out the Rest of the Day on Shore. These Cursed Delay’s are just exactly what we don’t need rite now, & despite this impromptu outburst of worm wheather we fret that we shall not reach the Miarhpe Village till after Winter has set in in Ernest. We may just have to adjust our plans some what & winterise before reaching the Miarphe’s but this is far from adviseable. For we wish to trade with them & ensconce our Selve’s in their Goodley Grace’s for their Village is the Lynchpin of all Trade in these Regions plus a netwerk of Humanoid Fellowship during such a long Bleak Winter such as this one promises to be out here on these Desolate Plane’s would be most wellcome. We sent out Hunterz for a Brief Spell & they brung in two specimens of a smallish animal that I had never laid Eye’s upon before. It has the general look of a young Poppy7, it’s Heir8 being of a Golden Brown, possassing buttonlike Eyes & a snubbish snout, short Leggs, & some what long Klaws presumably used for digging—for the Kayes slayed them amongst a group of many of them, the rest having escaped thru Whole’s9 in the Earth. This Animal most notably has a Tale10 ruffly Two Anglickan Feat in Length & whilst we was inspecting it the Tale on one of them of a sodden11 detached it’s Self from the Beest’s Cadavre & slithered & bounced about like an overzealous Serpent, leaping in to the River & disappearing from site. Emmense was the Alarum experienced by the Corpse at this the Kayes in particular being sore afraid clinging to each Other like scared School Girl’s. But just imagine our Wunderment when we discovered that the Owner of the Tale had cleaned disappeared—for apparently whilst we had been so transfixed by it’s Fleaing12 Tale it had snuck off to Freedom. In ordure to retain the Other One we quickly slit it’s Throat to ensure it was deceased & whilst it was being mommified13 in ordure to carry back to the United States for further Research I sketched this Cingular Animal, here to four unbeknownst to us in the United States of Amerika & we did name it the Prairie Canine14. Since Sondown was still not soon I bade the Kayes to guide me to the place where they had discovered these Incredible Creatures & with in Thirty Minuets15 we reached an area of ruffly one Anglickan Miles in circonference pockmarked with Wholes upon Wholes which could aptly be called a Prairie Canine Metropolis. We maintained our Distance tho for I did not wish to frighten them away but rather witness their Behaviour in their Naturalle Millieu. Piering thru my Telexskope, I witnessed them scurry about & frolick & play & I must say I envied these Animals’s joyie de vivre, & the Sage who said that we have much to learn from Animals was a Mann ritely counted Wize16. For they neither fret about Futurity nor do they dwell upon Abstract What If’s; they feel paine & worry, yes, but only transitorily & when the Direct Causation’s of their Whoa’s17 have departed all Angst also depart’s; the Past doe’s not exist for them neither hardly doe’s the Future; eating when they’re hungry & drinking when they’re dry, they’ve sorted out a Life Style for them Selves parfectly sueted to their Biologies & Temperments, & their only Profession is Living. They have no Laws, nor Law Suets18, nor Clocks, nor Machine’s to syphon off their precious Life Forces. I could of watched them for Hour’s but seeing as the Sonne was preparing to sink ’neath the far distant Horizin it signalised that we had best be off, so bidding a silent yet none the less deeply felt ado to the Prayerie Canine’s the three of us reverted to our Encampment. I had a hankering to capture one of the Creatures in ordure to send a Living Specimen back to Precedent Torso who doubtless would be delited by such a Specimen but we had not the Time to devise nor enact such an Enterprize. Oh well, hopefully on the Return Tripp I shall be abel to do so19. We journeyed only Five Anglickan Miles this day.
[Crandall] Twosday the 16th of October, 1800
Some Time during the Nite the temperture decreased with violent ferocity & yesterday’s Heet gave way to a biting Frigidity, scattered Flake’s of Snow falling upon us as we pushed off an Half Hour or so after Don. This swift metamorphosisis in whether has made us weak & listless, especially the Priestess whose Health I am much concerned for, her being with Childe & all. I bad her lie down in the Hold once again wrapped up in my finest woolen blanquette & help her Self to all manner of Stores. “Thank you Philipp,” she said. “You’re Mother all ways told me you were such a good, kind Boy & now the Truth of her Word’s have proved true all tho I would never doubt some One as pure of Hart as you’re Mother.” Luckily the Wind was some what with us which occasioned us considerable Progress, passing a stream entering in to the Grate River from the south side which we dubbed Sodden Change in Whether River & an Other later on also on the south side which we called Insane Climate Creek, for by mid afternoon the whether had begun to waxx quite worm again & the Wind gusted to such a pitch of intencity that we had no option but to halt. Lashing Reason to a few stout looking Okes on the Bank we also cast down our Angkor20 to wait out the tempestuous Breezes. Except they only waxxed fiercer, & we bade every Body get below Deck because the flying sand did so sting one’s Face that it felt as if [this space intentionally left blank]21. It was a mighty packed house down in the Hold & since we needed to close the Door the congealed Odours of Labouring Men & their equally discomfiting outbreathings began to take their Collective Toll on me. For I had an instantaneous Urge to venture out in to this Tempest, commune cense & instinctual self preservation be dammed to Hades plus I have all ways had an Affinity for Storms, their amoral Violence & unbridled Energies appealing to me grately. So enwrapping an extra long Scarf around my mouth & Face I crept up the Ladder & undid the latch. My Comrade Murray then coming up behind me squeesed my upper left arm & queeried, “Just what in Hades are you planning on doing?” I replied that I had a sudden Yen to see Dame Nature throw a major Hissy Phit. Murry told me I was madd & I said Yes I was & he then begged me not to venture out side. Thanking him for his Concern I said I would be rite back & leapt out of the Hold & shut it firmly behind me all in one Motion. I was all most swept o’er the side of Reason by the strength of the Wind but I quickly recaught my footing & leapt to the Shore. In mid air I was caught up in a Gust of Potant Wind & flung against the side of a Tree & lay prostate upon the Earth for a Moment as the Wind skrieked & the Trees creaked & Leaves & Dirt & Other Assorted Effluvia streaked thru the Aire all about me. When I finally cast my Gase up I saw a site that was exhilerating to see: a Phunnel of dark aire & clouds & dust which they call a Tornato wavered in the Distance heading strait for me. I had long desired to see one ever since I was a mere Boy but had not been afforded the Oppertunitie till now. I crawled toward the Tornato as if genuflecting before an Angry Deity, all the while my Eye’s mesmerized by the imposing Colossos bearing down on me, lightening flashing in madd streaks at it’s Topp & I think I even saw a Bison carried up in to the Air & then swallowed up by it. It loomed closer & closer but when it got with in about Two Hundred Anglickan Yardes it shifted coarse soddenley veering to the West & then dissipated like a Ghost. Bucket’s of rein then fell & the Thunder did roar & the wind no longer being strong I regained my footing & ran back to Reason for to save my Self a drenching. My first knocks upon the door to the Hold went unheeded for the Hale had begun plummeting & my Rap’s was inextinguishable from the impact of said Hale. I then belowed22 as forcefully as I could below, “Let me in, you Coxcombs! It’s me—it’s Crandall!” & after they had let me in Murray regarded me with rather sullen Eye. They had been intensely worried about me of coarse but the Hale seized23 with in five minuets & the Rein & Thunder seized not long there after, & so opening the hatch we all went to our Station’s. The Kayes Brother’s both slipped on the Hale tho & landed upon their Arses—actually it had been Franz who first started to slip & clotching on to his Twin for stability’s sake they both collapsed together. The both of them nearly wept from Paine because their Tale Bones had struck directly on to the sizable Hale which no doubt smarted much but for all their whimperings of Anguish we did not exempt them from their Rowing Duties. We made a good seven Anglickan Miles more before encamping on the south side of the river having traversed Twentey Anglickan Miles this day.
[Crandall] Windsday the 17th of October, 1800
We awaked before sonrise & departed soon there after, finding that the Wheather had transformed to a marked frigidity once again. We rowed against a some what strong wind & also had to fight against a strong Currant, a product doubtless of Yesterday’s Storm. We spotted some Thing floating toward’s us at midday & as it crept closer we discerned that it was the Cadavre of some unfortunate Autochthon who had probley parished in the Tempest. We tried to snag him with our pruning Hooke but he alluded us as if his Spirit in collusion with his Dead Body did not wish for unhallowed Anglickan Hands to touch him. We past a tiny island nearly inundated by the River which we decided to call Unknown Deceased Autochthon Island in honour of the aforementioned Autochthon that we saw floating by who alluded our Grasp’s. The Men waxxed so fatigued from rowing that we was enforced to set up our Encampment earlier then usual on the north side, for they really could not go any further since their Arm’s had given all they had to give. We dined on our store of jerked meet, not daning to send out Hunterz or cook any Thing having come only Eighteen Anglickan Miles this Day.
[Murray] Thors-Day the 18th of October, 1800
Got a late-start because the Men’s arms was so wondrous-sore this Morning. Cold again today & we find we are but ill-equipped to deal with such low-temperatures. The Men have one woolen blanquet a-piece but they ain’t warm-enough. So they cuddle-up together in Pair’s for the warmth it afford’s. My Co-Capt. Capt. Crandall & my-self also do this because he has be-queathed his Blanket to the Seeress who stays shut-up with-in the Hold of Reason a-nights. We passed-by an Island on the northern-side called Early-Winter Island. Luckily the Wind was some-what with us so we made useage of our Sails. Traipsed for a while on-shore with Herakles. He scared-up a Hare which I shot at & missed. But one of our Other-Hunters shot-down two Staggs & it was nice to dine on hissingly hot-meat. Encamped on the north-side near a small-crick which we dubbed Two-Stagg Creek. Came 31 Anglickan-Miles this day, & all hope we shall encroach-upon the Miarhpe-Village soon.
Illustration by Eamonn Fitzmaurice
Carousals
Rain
Weather
Dawn
Warm
Fury
Puppy
Hair
Holes
Tail
Sudden
Fleeing
Mummified
This is the first written account of the Middle Eastern Plains Dog, an animal which now exists only in captivity. The detaching tail is a defense mechanism which allows the Plains Dog, which usually plays dead when attacked by a predator, to escape while the predator chases its tail, which typically travels three hundred yards before petering out. But even if the Plains Dog is lucky enough to fool its predator through this ruse it only has a brief time to enjoy its new lease on life, for it usually expires five days or so after the loss of its tail, giving it just enough time to procreate. The sketch made by Crandall of course no longer exists.
Minutes
This was Kleosiddarthos, whose exact words were “We have more to learn from animals than they from us.” The Analects of Kleosiddarthos 11.2.2.
Woes, presumably.
Lawsuits
Unfortunately this was not to be.
Anchor
Apparently Crandall was searching for a simile that never came to him here.
Bellowed
Ceased