[Crandall] Fryeday the 19th of October, 1800
Ice clang to the hull of Reason in the mourning & a few specks of Snow was falling down as we departed shortly after Donne1. All were shivering as they set their Hand’s to the ores while I chose to walk along the shore in ordure to warm up my Bonez & destract my Mind. The Temperture elevated rapidly & by late mourning I was cursing my Self that I had dressed so wormly. I came across zero Wilde Life in the coarse of my Rambling’s but I did encounter the Bones of a Collossal Creature jutting from the eroded embankments of the River. With all of my Mane & Mite I extracted one of the Bonez out of the Soil using a Piece of Drifter’s Wood as a lever, & warshing the Bone in the River I then regarded it in mute wunder, scowering my Mental Storehouse of Animal Anatomie & for the Existance of me I could not place it with in the Realm of Known Beastiality, it being much too much large to be a Bison’s bone or any other land creature for that matter. It resembled moore the Bone of a Leviathon but what a Leviathon could of been doing so far inland was a Mystery wrapped inside of an Aenigma. I then figured it must be the Remain’s of the recently discovered yet long extinct Mastadonne & I knew Precedent Torso would be o’erjoyed to have his own set of Bonez of such a Species, so running to o’ertake Reason I hallo’d & hallo’d for our Crue to make a stop to aide me in the further excavation of the Bonez of this Wondrous Beest. The Kayes, Sargent Hu, Gunne, & Eastbroadway extracting pique axes from the Hold set to work on the Earth while Other’s was sent out hunting. We managed to extract a few moor Giant Bonez, including the complete Skull of the Creature & after studying it I knew it could not come from a Mastodonne for it’s snout was much too long plus it possessed a set of the most Fearsome Fangz you’d ever hope to see. I immediately set to work on a sketch of this Cingular Skull & as I sketched I came to believe that it had to of come from the fabled Dragoon2, a creature of pure Phantasy yet here I had perhap’s discovered Proof that these Mythick Creatures had in pointe of fact once romed the Earth. The Men carried the Skull back to our Encampment like a Trophy of War & they for some Reason set it reverantly down before the Priestess, asking her to bless it. The Priestess inspected the Skull with no small amount of Perspecticuity & laying her Handz upon it chaunted some sort of Prayer or Paean in an admixture of Anglickan, Ancient Greek, & Laten. The Men then strapped the Skull on the Prow of Reason which seamed a fitting enuff Place for it to serve as our new Mascot & Protector even tho we all ready have one set of Eye’s painted upon the Prow which all ready kind of serve that Function. Having expended the Bulk of the Day in the excavating of this Dragoon we decided to stay where was for the Nite having made but a scant Twentey Anglickan Miles of Progression today but I do believe we did much to further the Progression of Science this Day.
[Crandall] Saturnday the 20th of October, 1800
The Whether3 has cooled off some what today & is not all together uncomfortable. It’s your basic autumnal day with it’s characteristickal crispiness, bracing wind & cloudless, crystalline Skyes. We abandonated our Encampment just after Don aroze & we made pretty goode time because we was bolstered by the Wind. Round about midday we surpassed an Island which we called Dragoon Island after yesterday’s Discovery. Dispatching Gunn & Colter out to Hunt they each gunned down a Bison & we sent Sargent Hu, Private Essex, & the Brother’s Kaye to help them retrieve the Meet on Travoises. After they had regressed back unto us laden with Fresh Animal Flesh we proceeded on coming round a rather sharp Bend in the River & shortly there after we found the River dividing into a Forque4 of two nearly identickal branches, one veering southeast & the other veering northeast. There being a triangular jutting out of land with some sturdy Plane Trees on it we lashed Reason to them & as our newly slane Meet was cooked my Comrade Murry & my Self assented an uprising in Land to determinate if this was really a Fork or just a Massive Island we’d encountered. And so whipping our Spy Glasses we found that it was no Island at all but rather a genuine Splitting of the River. We then descanted upon the Gravity of our Currant Situation, for we had never heard that the Grate River divided in to two like this neither had no One ever fourwarned us of such a Probability. ’Twas uncommonly straunge that neither Rumour nor the Traitors5 we had encountered had even so much as even hinted at such a Prospect which made One all most suspect a Conspiracy of Psilence was in Affect6. Had we moore time afforded us we might hassard a guess at our own Convenience but now the Stakes was at an all time high: for if we venture up the Wrong Branch we shall be delayed considerably & any long setback could vary well add to the Time necessary to reach the Grate Eastern Ocean which could set us back as much as a Kalendar Year. Of coerce7 my Cumred Murry & I did not couch it in these exact term’s when we presented our Quandary to the Men in stead simply enforming them that we would deliberate further on the Matter on the Marrow8 having come Nineteen Anglickan Myles this Day.
[Crandall] Sonday the 21st of October, 1800
After braking our Fast my Self, my Cumrade Murry, the Kayes, Gonne, Coultier, & Hu took a few Hour’s to take measurements of each branch of the River. Walking up the Branch on the Left precisely Two Anglickan Mile’s we found that it is Three Hundered & Ten Anglickan Feat in With9 & Thirtey One Anglickan Feat deep at it’s Profoundest Pointe, & retracing our Steppes we then hiked up the Branch on the Rite the selfsame Distaunce & measured it to be Three Hundered & Nine Anglickan Feat in With & Thirtey Two Anglickan Feat in Profundity. We also inspected the riverbed & currant & colour of each respective Branch & found that the one on the left is sandy but contain’s small, nearly perfectly round Pebble’s in its shallowest parts, it’s colour is slightly green, & the water has a Savoury Flavour with a slight aftertaste of Stale Urine. While the rite hand branch on the Obverse Hand is also sandy but with larger, less uniform in shape Rocks, it’s colour veering more to the Beige Side, & it taste’s slightly Vinneggrettish with hint’s of rassberries or may be lingun berries. We also measured the Currant by timing how long it took Franz’s Tricorne to float a standardized distance of Fifty Anglickan Yard’s & we found that each branch is near identickal in Velocity: Twelve Second’s for the Branch on the left & Twelve Pointe Five Second’s for the Branch on the rite. We then brought this Information back to our Encampment Cite10 & a cupula11 Men (Delancey & Essex) who had gone out a-hunting we found had brung back two Dead Dough’s12. And over a late Luncheon we openly & freeley discussed the Measurement’s we had harvested & weighed the various Con’s & Prose there of. Our Back Wood’s Men was of varying Opinionation’s, the Kayes saying the lefthanded branch just had to be the true Grate River since it was wider but Other’s protested that all tho it was one Anglickan Foote wider, the righthanded branch was one Anglickan Foote deeper. Whether deepness or broadness should take precedence was then debated with no meagre quantity of heatedness, & Sargent Hu who was a Staunch Partisan of the Broadness School of Thought waxxed Beat Red & his Eye Bulb’s bulged out to a starteling degree as he was argueing his Side. In Deed Thing’s was starting to get out of Hand so inserting a coupla Fingers in to his Mouth Murry emitted a Whissel that could of waked the Stone Sleeper of Saffron Heights his Self13 & said, “Shut the Hades up, every Body! It appear’s apparent to me that what we need to do is to send a smallish party up each Branch to reconnoiter a little more.” This immediately struck every One as an insanely Rational Proposition & so we immediately commenced to construct plans for the Next Day, all Dischordance having vanished & Parfect Unity raining14. I was to lead the Kayes & Sargent Hu up the lefthanded branch while Murray was to lead the Other’s up the righthanded One. Eagerly awaiting the Marrow we jerked our meet & enjoyed some Musickality courtesy of Gonne, & I here do set down the lyrics to one song I especially liked:
If I had Wing’s like Cythera’s Dove
I’d fly the Ocean to the One I love
Fare thee well, my Honey, fare thee well
I had a Mann who was long & tall
Moved his Body like a Sommer Squall
Fare thee well, my Honey, fare thee well
I remember one mourning, it was drisseling rein
And in my Heal15 I felt an aching paine
Fare thee well, my Honey, fare thee well
Simois River runs muddy & wilde
Been ready to dye16 since I was a Childe
Fare thee well, my Honey, fare thee well
The Basest Mann I ever saw
He tried to flea17 from his Fatal Flaw
Fare thee well, my Honey, fare thee well
The Bravest Mann I ever saw
His Dead Body I dragged behind my Car
Fare thee well, my Honey, fare thee well
We also gave the Men one small draught of Ardent Spirit’s a-piece which we quickly repented our Selve’s of for they waxxed terribley boisterous & would not shut up till late in to the Nite.
[Murray] Moon-Day the 22nd of October, 1800
Breaked our fast with some Venison & Travail-Wafers. Coultier, Hu, East-Broadway, & me headed-up the left-branch of the Great-River18. Plan to walk as far as we can to-day & encamp on the river-bank to-night then return to the Confluence to-morrow. Encountered zero Wild-Life on our Way up-river. Not even so much as a Bird or a Chip-Monk. As we hiked I talked with Coulter. He told me a bit about his Life with his Father who was an Alcoholick. Feel ton’s of pity for Coulteir & also some sensual attraction for him. Which I’ve never felt for a Man before, at-least not to this Degree. Walked hard & fast to-day & we was wondrous-tired by day’s-end. Went to sleep just after sun-down but not before taking some Measurement’s of the River. In term’s of Depth & Breadth & Velocity it continuate’s all-most exactly as it was before. Also attempted a Taste-Test & it taste’s like River-Water with Mudd in it all-tho my Pallate it not as refined as some-other’s.
[Crandall]
The Brother’s Kay & I after brakefest proceeded up the northern branch of the River & attempted to make as much Progression as we humanely could in ordure to discern as many of this Branch’s attributes as possible so that we may hassard an at least some what Educated Guess as to which Branch would be best to venture up as a Corpse. The country continuate’s relatively flatt Plane’s with a few Plain Tree’s on the river bank while on the Horisin we saw a large dark Blobb which we surmized to be a Horde of Bisons. While we walked I spoke with the Kaye Brother’s & I found the Content’s of their speech (& presumably of their Mind’s) to be a peculiar admixture of Sound Cense & Shear Idiocy. I have included an excerpt of the Trialogue which transpired betwixt us as Proof of the above:
Crandall: So what conduct’s you two out here to the Wildes of the East? I find that each one of us carries with in us some Secrete Hystery which has led us to be numbered amongst this Corpse.
Franz: Oh, well, its kind of an Embarrassing Storey.
Dan’l: Aw Franz, go on & tell him! I never tire of hearing it, my Self.
Franz: I don’t think the good Captain here want’s to hear about the youthfull misdeeds of a ruff hewn Childe of the Frontier such as me, now doe’s he?
Crandall: My deer Franz, I’m sorry to give you Reason for ever harbouring such an opinionation about me. I consider my Self egalitarian as Hades, & like Terence I have ever subscribed to the filosophy that “No Thing humanoid is alien to me.”
Franz: Captain Crandall, bless you for saying that. Bless you. And you’re absolutely rite when you say Hades is egalitarian because in the Underworld you find both you’re rich & you’re poor there, the beautiful & the ugly, the well educated & the udderly Ignourant. Egalitarian as Hades: I rather like that. I’m gonna remember that Expression & use it when the Occasion permit’s.
(There was then a considerable pause as if Franz assumed our conversation was over until his unpatient Brother said…)
Dan’l: Now go on, Franz, tell him!
Franz: Tell him what?
Dan’l: Don’t you remember the Captain axxed you about what led you to sign up for this Expedition?
Franz: Oh yes, that’s rite, forgive me. You ever been in love, Captain?
Dan’l: Dammit, Franz, you is overstepping your Bonds19!
Crandall: No, it’s all rite, Daniel. Yes, I can count my Self amongst Eros’s Victim’s.
Franz: Then may the Godz have mercy on you. For I fell in love once, & I swear by the River Stix it’s gonna be the last. Because I got my Head turned around so bad & got my Morale’s so very mixxed up & this Love wreaked such Havock amongst my nearmost & deermost that at the vary Depth’s of my Anguish I was well nigh tempted to whip out my trusty knife bequeathed to me by Pappy Kaye & make myself an Eunick. For truly there ain’t no limit to the Quantity of Trouble Eros will bring…
(And with this the good Franz lifted his Eyes towards the Heavens & said...)
Forgive me, Aphrodite for saying that! You know I don’t really mean it! It’s pure hyperbole on my Parte! Now where was I?
Dan’l: You was no where. You haven’t even begun to tell your Storey.
Franz: Okeh, Captain. Imagine a youth so vary dumb & innocent & an Older Woman hot to trot. A Tail20 as old as Time, am I rite? Now imagine a Husband supposedly out of Town on Busyness. You got it all imagined?
Crandall: The details are still some what indistinct, but yes I think I can descry the ruff Outlines of the Scenario.
Franz: Okeh, now imagine a vengeful brother in the Romulus mould, also in love with the same Older Woman, tipping off the aforementioned Husband. Can you see it?
Crandall: The Scenario is quickly becoming more distinct.
Franz: Now imagine the deer Hubby soddenly21 reappearing two days previous to being anticipated, Sword in hand, a drunken sweat on his bloated, mustachoied Face.
Crandall: Now that I can quite vividly picture.
Franz: Now imagine a hand to hand Fight, & a screaming Woman caught betwixt her two Lover’s like Scylla & Charibdus or like Ariadne betwixt two Minotaurus’s. And imagine the Other Brother who had tipped the Hubby off but in a pang of Guilt sorely repented him of his Perfidiousness leaping out from behind an Arras to save his Brother’s life. Then imagine a Lanterne getting knocked over during the Skirmish & the aforementioned Arras catching Fyre. Imagine the Room & soon the Hole Haus22 engulfed in Flame’s. And imagine—
But we had no time for further Imagining’s, for a massive Shadow soddenly o’erwhelmed us & then a Giant Byrd fell upon Daniel Kaye shrieking terribly. There was the flapping of Wing’s & Feather’s flying but before we could put up any Species of Defence the Byrd flew away, & we did not shoot at it for we was more concerned with the Status of Daniel who lay upon the Ground moaning with Blood streaming from his Hip. Kneeling down to inspect his Wound we thankfully found it was but a Supraficial One & wundering what had prompted the Byrd to enact such a sneek attaque it was finally determined that it had been attracted by the Squirrelle’s Tale23 that Daniel had had strapped to his Belt as extraneous Ornamentation, a Tale which was now missing doubtless carried off by the Winged Predatour. We continued walking till just before Sondown to take the River’s Measurements, & it did not appear to have changed much in Term’s of either Breath24, Deepness, or the Speed at which it floe’s. We also partook of it’s Waterz to see if it had any notable mineral taste which mite betray it’s Origen’s from the Montaigne’s25 but it betrayed no such mineral taste. Just before bedtime I had retreated to the Outskirts of our Encampment in ordure to relieve my Bladder’s Burthen when Dan’l Kaye sneakily sidled up to me while I was in midstream & said unto me, “Captain, you know all that stuff Franz was telling you earlier was a load of Hoggwarsh, don’t you? There was a certain Element of Truth to it, yes but it was mostly Hoggwarsh.” I thanked Dan’l for this Intelligence & then requested him to please leave me be in Solitude so I could conclude my Busyness which he did with mombled Apollogeum’s.
Illustration by Mark Cousin
Dawn
Dragon
Weather
Fork
Traders
Effect
Course
Morrow
Feet in width
Site
Couple of
Does
The Stone Sleeper of Saffron Heights, which now sits in the sculpture wing of the National Imperial Gallery in Warshingtown, is a statue that has a quaint bit of folklore attached to it. In the late 1600s, in the Saffron Heights neighborhood of New Alexandria, there supposedly lived a lowly stable hand who fell in love with a rich merchant’s daughter. The love was reciprocal but the rich merchant did not approve of such a match, so he decided that a quick marriage of his daughter to a more prominent eligible bachelor was the only solution. The stable hand, hearing of the upcoming nuptials, was understandably heartbroken—and on the eve of the wedding he went to the Tabernacle of Aphrodite and beseeched the Goddess to grant him one wish: that he may never look upon the day that his one true love would belong to another man. When the stable hand lay himself down to sleep that night, he never regained consciousness—but neither did he die, instead remaining in a state of continual hibernation. Love may sleep, but it never dies—and so his body turned to stone to protect itself from the elements, and he continues a mute, stony sleeper till the day his love renounces her husband or is reborn and claims him as her own. The statue that sits in the National Imperial Gallery has been proven to be a later interpretation of the legend created by some nameless sculptor in the early-1700s, but romantics around the world still flock to it as if it were the real thing. Some even swear they can feel a slight heartbeat when they press their hands against the stone. Vigilant docents do their best to prohibit this, although it’s reported that they’re not above bribery.
Reigning, presumably.
Heel, presumably.
Die, presumably.
Flee
But according to yesterday’s and today’s entries written by Crandall, Murray and his men ventured up the right, not the left, branch. Either Murray or Crandall has to be mistaken.
Bounds
Tale
Suddenly
Whole house
Tail
Breadth
Mountains