[Crandall] Sonday the 23rd of June, 1802
I awoke at about Noontide but as late as the hour was I was not the Last One to awaken—far from it. For the Bulk of the Corpse excluding the Watch Men but not excluding my Comradd Moray lay in all most the identickal Posture’s that we had last left them yesternite. And despite last Evening’s Feast I found I was ravenouslie hungary so leaving the slumbering Corpse behind I set off on my Lonesome out in to the Woods in search of Fresh Animal Flesh, the Wood’s consisting of mostly scanty Pines rather on the dry side, rocky & steep in Places, till I came upon a tiny glade in which I espied a Lonesome Dear Goat pasteurising. Truth be told I was vary loathesome1 to murther it, so innocentley did it nibbel upon the Grasses about it wholly unaware of my Encroachment & a Tug o’ War commenced with in my Breast betwixt my Hart & my Stomach. But of coarse my Stomach emerged as the Winner, so gunning it down in Frigid Blood it collapsed where it was & I at least had the consolation that it had underwent an instantaneous Death the Bowell having berried2 it’s Self straight in to the pour retch’s Template. I commenced to gut it fourth-width & attempted to drag it but discovered I just wasn’t up to it physickally, so I returned unto our Encampment & brought back Help. When we returned to the Body of the Slain Beast there was two Whiteheaded Byrds like the one we had recently-slain engaged in dubious battaile o’er the Cadavre. The Men shooting at them one of them was killed & we brought it along with the Deer Goate back to our encampment & all of the Meet was set a-cooking by the Hand’s of GSW. The Plummage of the Byrd was once again salvaged & the Men enlarged upon that which they had previously stuck in their Hat’s & Poquet’s & Belt’s, &c., &c., till they all most begun to resemble Fouls them Selves. This Bounty having been brung in we had a hardy dinar of it along with an Other Deer Goate which Other’s had killed this after noone, & with extra meet to jerque we agreed to set off first Thinge on the Marrow.
[Crandall] Mooneday the 24th of June, 1802
The Corpse awoke groggy & sloggish no doubt do3 to the excessive quantitties of Animal Flesh we’d devoured yesterday. Proceeding on well after Don we fallowed the path of a smallish Stream we’d encountered which trickled thru the Pinez till it flung it’s Self off a Precipice from which we was afforded a View of the Land to the West—& ’twas then that we decried4 a subtile smoke emanating from the Trees perhap’s Three or Four Anglickan Mile’s at most down below, obviously an Autochthonickal Enclave. Mean while directly down below we espied a most lushous Poole which appeared parfectley fit for warshing One’s Self. After reaching the Bottom of the Fall’s we encouraged all Men to engage in a Bath for if it’s any Thing Autochthone’s prise it’s a cleanley body, but the Men balked at first so we had to threaten them with Court Marshall if they didn’t. For the water was quite cold plus many of them yet cling to the folk whizdome of their Upbringing’s which dictates that one’s Natural Greases form a Protective Barrier betwixt One & the Outside World also contributating toward’s comely Skinn. Plus some of them is skiddish about revealing the exact dimension’s of their Penise’s but after we made every avowal that they would not look at one an Other’s privates & if they did so happen to catch site of an Other Corpse Member’s Member that it should be remembered that the size of a Mann’s Member varies with such Factour’s as temperture, humidity, what one has eaten, the time of day, the Position of the Moone, &c., &c., & thus to take it all with a Granule of Psalt. The Boyz being thus instructed they tentatively crept in to the Pool at the Foot of the Fallz & many was the sigh & owllike whooting as they graduallistickally submerged their Selves in to it’s Frigid Water’s. But witnessing them all hesitate at about midcalve level we reinforced the Importence of making a Positive Impression upon these Autochthone’s especially since they was a Quantity Unknown unto us & we had no Ideation who they was nor what they’re Attitude toward’s Foreigners mite be, so this being the overall Scenario we had better pull out all the Proverbial Stoppage’s so to speak. The pour retche’s then tried they’re best to get deeper in but they quaked & they shaked till we had no recoarse but to ordure them to just masticate the proverbial Bullet & leap in to the Waterz with total commitment consequences be dammed. This they did on the Count of Four & the slimey detritus which arose from their Bodies soon polluted the Pool & made it change from clear to turbid. They did not remain in the water long—in Deed they was going to run rite out again as soon as they’d jumped in but we insistated that they scrub every Anglickan Inch of their Skinn at least once which they instantaneouslie did & so furious was their Motions that they appeared to be Byrds in a Byrd Bath rather then Men. We also bade them warsh their Raiment & mend it a bit & while they was thus engaged my Self, Gonne, GSW, & Coulteir ventured further towards what we presumed to be the Village, for we could not vary well swarm all in a body on them for fear of arousing their Fear’s. And it goe’s with out saying that my Cumred Mury did not wish to be the One to lead such a Delegation for he has grown to abhour the Attention’s of the Autochthone’s regarding his Skein Colour & the Consistancy of his Heir. Coultier also was loathe to go for she has waxxed rather Lethargickal & Gloomy of late redoubtless do to her empregnationed state, pour retch. But we insistated that she tagalong for her Tumescent Belly is like a Magickal Charm which throw’s open all Door’s to us, an instantaneous Beacon regarding our Pacifick Intention’s. So onward’s the Quartette of us traipsed & it was not but Thirtey Minuets before we heard Humanoid Noises up ahead & creeping froward’s thru the Trees we was presented with the Image of a Village of modest size maybe Twentey Havel’s in all sitting in a Field adjacent to the Stream we was fallowing. It was you’re typical rural scene of Yeungling’s romping about, Womynfolke stooped over either Food or some other kind of Domestick Exorcise, while the Men lolled about smoaking & gossipping. ’Twas an Idyllick Scene & One felt it was all most a Crime to disturb them, plus going along with that we felt that Anxiety one inevitabley feel’s when meeting a New People for the first Time. For the Gap’s betwixt Kulture’s & Tong’s is some Time’s wellnigh unbridgeable no matter what the Intention’s, & Fatale Misunderstanding’s are all way’s waiting in the Wing’s to occur. In any case we ventured fourth in to the Hart of the Village with Cuttler out in front barring her big Belly & ’twas not till we was practically in front of their Fasces that any Body took any Notice of us. One of the Men looked up at us with his Ziggurat5 yet dangeling from his Maw & appeared as if he couldn’t bring his Self to believe he was really seeing us. Graduallistickally his Mouth begun to gape open & then the Ziggurat dropped to his lap & he then leapt up with a Yolp! for he had apparently burned his Self on his Thigh. Which illicited6 the attentions of the Other’s & they commanced to drop what they was doing & stand up & shout one at the Other no doubt trying to fathom just who we was & what it was we wanted. But like so many Time’s before the site of a Woman’s Swollen Stomach did us Yoeman’s Service: for they begun to flock around Culter & some of the Womyn started to rob7 her Belly & mumbel in selfcomplacent manure8. Coultier did not appear to relish this Stomach Messsage9 not in the least bit but she knew there was no Thing she could do about it so she put up with it & even attempted to smile but ’twas most feinthartedly, pour retch. “Hola, hola!” said a Mann unto us soddenly stryding up to us most cheerily, “Cuomo estan ustedes? Bienbenido’s, bienbenido’s!” These Word’s came rather as thunder clapp unto us & ’twas only after he had repeated them sev’ral Times that we saw fit to respondate. For it did not require an Eisenstein to decipher the fact that he was speaking unto us in the Kastillian Tong & therefour both he & his People must have some Intracourse with the Iberians or else we had strayed so farr southwards that we was now in the Iberian Territories them Selve’s. All Four of Us to varying degree’s had some acquaintance with the Kastillian Tong, Coultier having a decided Flare for Languages while I had studied it for a while in my adolescence whilst Dillaine had a working knowledge of it as well. As for GSW she had picked up much from our late Friend slash Enemie El Guerdo10 but of a highly idiomatick & idiosyncretickal Flavour. This being the Scenario we the each of us respondated in our own peculiar manure to the Mann—who respondated with a flurry of Kastillian which moore or less amounted to his beckoning us to be at Ease & that we was vary wellcome in Deed & that Supper (“La Cena”) was about to be served shortly (“Pronto”) so to come with him & to excuse the Attention’s of his People, for they are a Baby Loving People amongst whom an Empregnationed Woman is considered a Quean (“Una Reyna”). He then was heard to commandeer the Other’s in Strident Tonez in a diffarant Tong holy11 unbeknownst unto us which made us think that he was the Chieftain of this Village which turned out to not be the Case at all. For after he had harangued his Countreyman & dispersed Coultier’s Psychophantes he led us to a Havel of no mean circonference, octogenarian12 in Character which upon my enquiry I was enformed represented the Eight Aspects of Existence or “Ocho Aspectoes de le Existencia” those being: “Nacer” (Berth), “Reir” (Glee), “Lagrima’s” (Sorrow), “Enfermedades” (Unwellness), “Amour” (Passion), “Desallusion” (Disenchauntment) & of coarse “El Muerto” (Mortality)13. When we entered said Habitation unlike most Autochthonickal Habitations ’twas lit up britely with Numerickal Apertures up above letting in sonlite while also moore then a Few Torches was lit. We was led by our interlocutor—who spoke Kastillian continually unto us whilst some Time’s braking in to his Native Tong to ordure some Crones about redoubtless axxing them to fetch us some Thing to eat & drink—to the Other End of the Havel where we was presented with a site wellnigh surpassing Humanoid Speech. For sitting on the far end of the Havel was two humungeous Humanoid’s of no mean Girth appearing to be a Pear14 of vary Chubby Babies writ large. In Deed their Eye’s just barely peeped thru the lardishness of their Fasces & the apparent softness & hairlessness of their Armz made me immediately think that these People had some how managed to produce Infantes of an enormous Size to what end I could not yet at present determine. But then our Guide promptly enformed us that these Twain was none other then “La Reyna & El Ray de Nuestro Pueblocito” (the Quean & King of Our Town) & being a bit godsmacked I bowed to them courteouslie as did the Other’s. The Quean then addressed us in her Native Tong saying Wellcome, pleased to meet you, &c., &c. & we thanked her for her kindnesses while the King just kind of seconded whatever she said. Her Voice was high & strained as if it required much effort for it to excape from her Mouth while his Highness’s Voice was deepsome & gutterall as if coming from the Far End of a Cavern. We then engaged in varietal Plesauntrie’s of a rather Bland Caste & I can not immediately recall what it was we spoke of for I was enrapt by the site of these Stout Personage’s whom after our recent Experience’s with Dyer15 Want appeared to be the vary Portraiture’s of Sataitety & Excess & a certaine Ripeness if you will. In Deed I knew not weather to envy them or pity them, for I begun to bethink me that the reverence & hommage done unto them mite just spell the end of them which is a Theme as old as Time really. For apparantley these Peeple believed that a Monarch should lead an Existance of Absolut Luxury & Idyllness & constantly be plyed with every Thing the Earth could possibley afford. Surely they could not walk vary farr if at all & as far as answering the Call’s of Nature especially that of Defecation I could only assume it was a Complicated Procedure involving the Assistance of many a Hand. But I was soddenly snapped out of these Reverie’s by the sharpe elbow of Culter who whispered unto me that we was being queeryed about some Thing or Other so recollecting my Self I kindley axxed if the Question could be repeated begging the Royaltie’s Pardon’s an’ it pleaze their Warship’s. They had axxed me what the New’s was from New Cartegenia & what’s moore how their colleague’s the Iberian King & Quean was faring & ’twas than that it ’twas abundantly apparent that they thought we was Iberians. So I quickly disabused them of this Notion & enformed them that we was not Iberian’s at all but sprung from a New Vibrant Nation far to the Westward’s named the United States of Amerika—perhaps they had heard of us? They replied that they had not but begged for further Information which I dully16 furnished them with, speaking at length about our some what recent separation from our Mother State Anglia & how we in Fact now owned if not the vary Land we was now standing upon at least the Bulk of the Land adjacent to this to the north by north west & that unlike Iberia we came not to conquer but to bind together this Continent in Bond’s of mutual benificence & amity. They replied that this sounded just plane wunderfull & to count them in & they then enquired if we had any Gunz to trade. We replied no we did not but we had some Article’s that would delite them just as much as Fyre Arms ever could & these we wished not to trade but to bestow upon them as Gift’s unto their Majesties, who’s names was Garrulia & Gammaggril. Reaching in to my Shoulder Bagg who’s strap still has not been straitened out despite the vast Quantities of Time I have heaped upon it in I with drew out a Pocquet Mirrour which I bestowed on Garrulia who is the Quean & also a Bandanana & to Gamaggrille I gave a Vulture Handeled Knife & a Mirrour as well. While unto both of them I did give a Medallion which present’s the portaiture of the profile of Precedent Ian Torso on one side & an Amerikaan & Autochthone giving each other the old “Thumb’s Upward’s” on the Other. They examined each Object vary carefully turning it over in their pudgey handz vary much like Babeys puzzeled by a New Toy & thanked me for these Gift’s. But they reiterated that they would vary much like to get their Handz on Gunz for that was the Reason why they was now living up in these Montaigne’s for they had once lived further to the southwest of here in the Foothill’s but had been driven away by a People who had gotten their Handz on fyrearms via Iberian Trader’s. In Deed these Foothill’s had been their ancestral land’s & to have left them was most grievous: all this had happened Ten Year’s ago or so & they was still realing from the Blow collectivistickally as a Peeple. We commiserated with their plite & assured them that were Amerika in Charge of these Region’s we would be sure not to let such a Disjustice stand. And against my better adjudication I remarqued that we our Selves being on a sort of Journey of Discovery as it were could not trade our Gunz for we needed them to kill our Game for we was not skilled in the Arrow & Bow but who know’s may be if closer tie’s was knit betwixt our Nation & their’s Gunz could be procured for them. This put the Monarchs in a good moode for Hope is pretty much the greatest Gift one can give isn’t it, costing no Thing, & their plump Fasces beamed & appeared most jolly as they ordured their Subject’s to whip up some Supper for us. And whilest it was cooking they bade us sit down & enjoy bowlfull’s of potations which was thrust in front of us which upon enquiry was Alcohaulick in content, so I bade the Other’s to partake of it but sparsely so that drunkenness would not be induced. Some antipasti was also produced in the form of small dried Fish which had a strong smell but was tastey enuff & we ate of them Bonez & all. The Quean Gamaggril17 begun to show a most feminine interest in the empregnationed status of Coutlier & peppered her with Question’s about when she was dew18 & who the Father was & how she was feeling & what Name’s she had picked out for the Babe, &c., &c., & finding that she was answering these Queries coldly & noncomittally I commandeered her to open her Hart so to speak unto her Feemale Counterparte who after all was just showing a Natural Woman’s Interest so it had better be reciprocated for the General Well Being of our Corpse. I know it cut her to the vary Quique, pour retch, to engage in such Feminine Bantor but she had no other Option, & you should of seen her unconvincingly portray the Role of Eager Mother To Be: in Deed she hath appeared rather Blue in the Tooth of late—no mystery due to our recent hardship’s—but she hasn’t appeared to bounce back as readily as the rest have & I fear both for her Health & that of her Babe. She declared that I was her Husbandman so I too had to enact the Roll of the happy expectorant19 Father & with out false immodestie I can say I did a better job then she did & I even went so far as to rob20 her Belly & coo to the Foetus in Simulated Joy. Then the King whom like I have expressed appeared to be a Big Infante him Self kept axxing me Question’s about Iberia & it’s Settlements to the south despite the Fact that I had all ready explicitley stated unto him that we is not Iberian’s but Amerikaans, so that I begun to suspect that he was either not rite in his Head or else was deliberately trying to antagonise me. For he harped upon the Wunders he’d heard of the Iberian Court—the costumes & jewelry & intrigues, &c., &c.—but I had little to no Information to furnish him with. In stead I tried to educate him about our Amerikaan format of governance which has no King or Quean but rather a Precedent who reliquenches his Office after Several Year’s returning from whence he’d come back in to the Obscurity of Private Life, the taper being passed unto his Suckcessour who had been elected by the Populace, also delving in to the balance’s & cheque’s embedded in our Cystem so as to preclude Tyranny but the pour retch could not grasp these Concept’s & in stead just kept harping on the Iberian Court so much so that I begun to feel tempted to slap him upon his Distended Cheeques. But then Supper was served & it ’twas a goodley one: Venison deliciously decked with various Herbs & Spices, hot corn flatcake’s with Honey slathered upon them, & steamed Tuber’s sprinkled with some sort of Cheese—& even tho we tried to disguise our Voracity ’twas selfevident that we was unused to such Delicacies & thus relishing every last Anglickan Inch of them. After Dinnar Gone played them a song but ’twas just instrumental for I feared that his gravelly voice mite not appeal to them as it should for in Deed ever since the Phishbone Incident his Voice has become an acquired taste to say the vary least so we didn’t wish to needlessly schock the Aesthetick Sensibilities of our Hosts’s if it could at all be avoided. We then thanked them for their Hospitalitie & seeing as the Day was beginning to draw unto a closure we excused our Selve’s to return unto our Comrades who was encamped not overly far from here with the Proposition that we would return on the Marrow21 & engage in some trading with their People. The King & Quean then begged us to spend the Nite but we politely declined, & much to their Accreditation they did not press the Pointe but let us depart of our own Free Whill’s—yet they did request that perhap’s two or three of their People could accompany us back to our Camp, a Proposition to which I acceded since I know that such interchange’s of Hospitality are customary amongst the Autochthone’s, a quidd pro quo so to speak which further build’s up the bondage of Mutual Amitie. My only caveatte was that these Guestfriend’s at least possess a smattering of the Kastillean Tong so that we could communicate with them, a caveatte which was at once acceded with, & so our Interpater accompanied us as did a Woman who turned out to be his Spouse as well as their Son who was a strapping yeung Man of about Twenty or perhaps’ a bit younger. The Three of them fallowed us as we trudged back to our fellow Corpse Members & I felt vary goode about these People22, for their Hospitality & the Innocency of their Queereyes plus their Allowance of us to return unto our Cumred’s denotated a marked degree of Benignity. As we trekked thru the woods back to the Poole I talked with our erstwhile Interpreteur & he enformed me that his name was Ollirazal & that he’d growed up in an Iberian Settlement far to the South of here where he’d learnt the Tong as did his Wife while his Sun had picked it up from them. That Circumstance’s had been most harsh for their People for some Time & much like the King had mentioned they had been pushed from their Land by Corivalists for Territories to the south of here who had disfortunately possessed Fyrearms which they did not. In Deed it had been a trying era for their People but they One Day looked froward to being restored to their Ancestral Landz once they had served a Certain Term of Penitance. I then axxed him what he meant by that & he said that their Peeple had committed the unforgiveable Crime of the warshipping of Images, for their one Lonesome God had expressly forbade such a Practice yet here they had engaged in it. In Punishment for which they had been driven from their Homeland & as Penance they was doomed to offer up a Fit Sacrifice for Four Generation’s till the Anger of their Solitary Deity had been appeased. I then enquired as to what just such a Sacrifice mite entail but I had all ready hit upon the Answer to my own Question albeit partly subconsciencesly—& I was told that the Offspring of the Monarch who had originally smiled upon Idyll Warship23 was doomed to dye after having been sufficiently fattened up in their Thirtieth Year. Just as this ghastly revelation was revealed unto me we reached our Encampment where the Corpse all tricked out in their borrowed Plummage was just about to set down for Supper. And so our new Guestfriends kindly taking up the Bowels24 of Steaming Venison Stew offered unto them they ate of it with good appetite despite having just eaten not but two hour’s since. Anyway’s they ate of it heartily as did the Corpse as a Hole & after Dinar we begun to engage in idyll chidder chadder as we offered them Psip’s of our Whiskey which they took unto & perhaps’s even waxed a thad tipsey. The Men then begun to daunce & entertained our Guests in Royale Fashion & I could cense that the Ties of Amitie betwixt our Two People’s was being quickly solidified for One could tell there was an affinitie of Temperament there despite the Many Thousand’s of Anglickan Miles’s separating our Respective Homelands which in it’s Own Way was a True Testimant to the Universality of Humanoid Nature. But as for my Self I held my Self some what aloof for it having been revealed to me that these People but fattened up their Lieder’s for Literal Slaughter installed in me a certain disgust both for our Guestfriend’s & the Proceeding’s as a Hole which I could not for the Life of me rid me of. And studying the Fasces of Ollirazal & Family for any hint of cruelty I could not find none, while mean while they was engaged in the inspecting of the Men’s accountrement’s. They seamed to take especial Interest in the Whiteheaded Eagull’s Featherz which the Men was bedecked with so that they appeared to be half Man half Fouls it were. And axxing from what sort of Byrd we had harvested them from we begun to explicate that they came from “un ave grande con cabesa blanca e nariz amarrillo” (a Giant Byrd of Chalky Head & Yellowish Beak) that we had shot down with our Gunz & ate of its Meet—& an odd dased look then sprung up on Ollirazal’s Face & after stutteringly speaking with his Spouse in their Nativist Tong she too adopted a rather purturbed mode of Expression upon her Visage & they continuated to converse for some Minuet’s rather angrily but like I have said that’s the Impression one gets with Autochthone’s by & large when they speak even if they are far from angery. They then politely excused their Selve’s saying that they had to return unto their Village for Ollirazal’s Wife was not feeling too well & they rather hastily set off in to the Nite despite our remanstration’s for them to remain. Of coarse we let them go & after they’d left we quissed the Corpse as to whom mite of given offense to our erstwhile Guestfriend’s but every Body pled compleat & udder Ignourance.
Illustration by de Robles
Loath
The ball having buried
Due
Descried, presumably.
Cigarette
Elicited
Rub
Manner
Massage
El Gordo
Wholly
Octagonal
Crandall seems to have left one out if there were indeed eight.
Pair
Dire, presumably.
Duly
Crandall earlier states that Garrulia is the queen.
Due
Expectant
See above.
Morrow
Crandall fails to provide us with the name of this tribe.
Idol worship
Bowls