[Murray] Twos-Day the 27th of July, 1802
Our Watch-Men reported some Strange-Noises transpiring thru-out the Night but they came to no-thing. No-body’s Imagination is riper than that of a Man’s keeping-watch at Night. I speak from Experience. Proceeded-on shortly-after Dawn. The Terrain we cross is no cake-walk but then-againe it’s much easier than that which we encountered in the Great Mts. Proper. For these One’s we’re currently in seem to be separate so we have daned to call them the Middle-Eastern Minor Great-Mts. The Men expect a Greyish Bare to jump-out at any Second which is why our Progression ain’t so rapiduous as could be wished for. For they keep their Rifle’s at the ready at all-time’s & tread carefully. This pine-wooded, un-even, rocky-land appeals to me wondrous-much. So if so-called Civilisation ever reaches this far many a Year from now I hope it won’t be spoilt by too-much over-development. And if I had my Way I’d reserve it as Publickly-Held Landz held in commune by the People of the United-State’s. To be used as a place of recreation & reflection. A place to commune with Nature in. Kind of like a Park but wilder & less managed than a Park. May-be some simple Foot-Pathe’s yes but other than that left un-touched by the Hand of Man. For the Way I see it the Way Thing’s is going out-West there shall be little to no Genuine-Wilderness left in the United State’s-Proper in a Generation or Twain. Which is a dammed-shame. Came-across 2 Wild-Boar’s as-well as a Deer all 3 of which we slew. Feasted on them over an open-fire with residual-meat to be jerked. Came about 22 Anglickan-Miles this day.
[Murray] Whens-Day the 28th of July, 1802
All arose with the Dawn & we proceeded-on after a full-filling break-fest. But we had a considerable-scare in the mid-morning. For crossing a grassy-glade we saw up-ahead of us slowly up-rise up from out of the wavering Grasses a massive shape Greyish in Colour. Of-course it was a Greyish-Bear, a gigantick Greyish-Bear perhap’s more-mammoth than any we’d seen here-to-fore. It’s shoulder’s seemed to be Twin-Continent’s gyrating in Unison, it’s Paw’s was wondrous-bulky. With it’s Sizeable-Snout a-quiver it rose-up on it’s 2 Hind-Leg’s & we ordered every-one to aim their Fire-Arm’s at it. Which we would all dis-charge at the self-same Time upon Captains’s orders. Followed-by a similar dis-charge in unison from our Pistoles. Followed-by the selling of our Live’s dearly with our un-sheathed Sabres. But to our emmense-relief the Beast after looking at us a little-while lost Interest & walked-off in to the Woodz in a direction in which we wasn’t headed. Of-course we maintained strict-caution as we proceeded-on but as Time wore-on we was confidante we had dodged the Proverbial-Bullet. Slayed a Wild-Bore latterly in the Day which we dined-upon for dinner as well as a coupla Wild-Turkey’s.
[Murray] Thors-Day the 29th of July, 1802
Had a Visitation from a wondrous-raucous Thunder-Storm which started in the early-morning Hour’s. There was little Rain but there was a whole-lot of Wind & Thunder. Having encamped under Trees, there was the cracking & plummeting Sound’s of largish-branches all-about us. One rather-large Limb nearly crushed the Kayes Bros. falling not but not 2 Anglickan-Feet from their Head’s. And seeing as how the Torment was not letting-up & that our current-position was rather-tenuous we quickly packed-up our Thing’s & sought-out a Better-Shelter. Blindly we stumbled thru the Obscurity with Lant-Hornes which we struggled to keep a-lit. Smaller Branches a-plenty plus innummerable Leaves pelted us in our Searches as if hurled from the Handz of an Angry-Mob. Till finally we came across some Massive Rox which we could at-least sit on the lee-side of till the Tempest sub-sided. But sub-side it did not do till well-after mid-day. There was you’re occasional-abatement in Fury but invariably just as we was about to get-up & proceed-on it would pick-up againe & we had to re-treat back to our Nook. In-deed the Element’s &/or the Deities all-most seemed to be toying with us. All during the Storm the Men was very-much cowed & bunched them-selves up tight inter-locking their Finger’s where their Knee’s met, pulled their Hats tightly over their Heads & bowed said Head’s as if school-children caught crimson-handed committing some Innocent Mis-Demeanour. But to a Child it of-course feels like a felonie. Only my Co-Capt. Capt. Crandall was not frightened but in-stead took delight in our Present-Circumstance’s. For he is a self-professed Afficianado of Storm’s & positively-bask’s in the Power & Chaos which they impart. Even-after the Storm had clearly-ended the Men was yet loathe to reliquench their Poses since after-all there had been many a False-Lull before. But a good 15 Stormless-Minutes elapsing & the Sun shining once-more they was persuaded to get back-up on-to their Feet & slinging our Burthen’s over our Shoulder’s we proceeded-on in rare good-humour. For we bethought our-selves fortunate in having out-survived the Tempest. But as we continuated-on we found that our Way was littered & obstacled by many a fallen Tree-Limb & Complete-Tree so that our Pace was slackened considerably. But we was also fortunate in that we encountered a Trio of Deer who had been crushed by a toppled Tree & we salvaged most of their Meat which furnished our Dinner. But a most miserable dinner it was for just as Dusk came-on it began to rain-heavily. And scrambling to find some sort of Shelter betwixt Fallen-Tree’s & utilising what little drapery we yet possessed we some-how managed not to get completely-drenched. But it was wondrous-close Quarter’s & not at-all comfortable. Jean happened to land right-next unto me. But she persist’s in being wondrous-morose & would only speak to me in mono-syllables. We came may-be 15 Anglickan-Miles to-day.
[Crandall] Fryeday the 30th of July, 1802
This Mourning as I sat with my Commred Murry partaking of our customary Mourning Cup of Coffey a bussing sound could be heard now near now far away while a slight Breese could be felt even tho not a Scrap of Vegetation appeared to be moving roundabout us. Finally we saw that all this was created by a Humming Byrd of no mean proportion’s, appreciably bigger than you’re Normal Humming Byrd by an Anglickan Mile. Ne’er had the Twain of us seen such a Specimen—for it was ruffly four Time’s the size of you’re garden variety Humming Byrd plus it possassed the most flamboyante Plummage: reds & golds & purples & greens galour in streaks & spots all about it’s Body. Plus it had the longest finest Beek I’d ever seen upon a Byrd before moor like a Sowing Kneedle then a Beek. We maintained Absolut Psilence just to drink in it’s Beauty as it bussed about us but it soon seized1 it’s bussing & darted away to Greener Pasteurisations2. Today we traversed more of this hilly countrey with no shortage of Game nor Water—for narry a Day transpire’s in which we do not come across either a Dear or Wilde Boer or what have you nor do we fail to cross a Creek or Twain. My Commradd Moray & my Self ascented a Hill which appeared to be bear at the Topp in ordure to take measurement’s & regain our Berring’s. And upon the Smooth Flatt Rock’s at the Acne3 there was some Cryptickal Runes some of some what Humanoid Shape or else they might of been Animalia while Other’s appeared to depict Heavenley Bodies but ’twas tuff to tell for they was quite disrealistick. I took the Time to reproduce the carvings in my Sketch Booke also noting the distance between each one for there appears to be a System at Werk & a relation betwixt them all that I cannot currantly fathom4. Mean while our Comrades went out on a short Hunting Expedition & managed to murther two Roebucks & a coupla Heirs as well, Francis still refusing to do any more filletting or boutchering feeling the likeness betwixt the Humanoid Frame & the Animalistick One a little too close for Comfortability. Which the Other’s do ribb him for inclusive of which is his own Brother which he does not take kindley to—for they call him a Hippocrate for he does not refrain from partaking of the Meet once it’s cooked while he in turn call’s them Savauge’s & Nihilist’s. Oh how tired I am of all this Companie & all their Petty Squabble’s! The Men’s rowdey & ruff Way’s added to which is their General Vociferousness in their constant harping upon the same olde tired Motif’s copulated with their rather limited Mind Set’s & shopworn Framez of Reference is enuff to drive a Fellow such as me in to the vary Clotches of Insanitie especially after having expended [space left blank] Years & [space left blank] Month’s in their Companie5. One of the Reason’s I originally agreed to take upon me the Mantel of this Expedition in the Primary Place was that I wished to excape from the Insideous Influence of the Psuffolkating Crowd as it were, the ever encroaching Tentacle’s of Relation’s & Society which drain a Humanoid of all his Staminaw & Animal Energies. But little did I anticipate that in signing up for this here Expedition that I would be subjected to such Tortures of Labourinthine Intralinkedness, such Privation’s of Personnel Privacey, such Psuffolkating Groupishness—yet now looking back upon it rationally how could I of ever of thought it could of been Otherwize? Truly I must of been a Shear Fool to think any diffarently! The Soul Consolation is that my Comradd Murrie feel’s about the same Way as I do & we at least have One an Other to confide in & commiserate with in regard’s to the Robbery of our Private Psyche’s. We continuated on for the Remains of the After Noone & ended up encamping by the side of a Stream bigger than those we have encountered of late, all most big enuff for Canoo’s but disfortunately headed to the North. For we have decided as Corpse to fourgoe returnancing to the Grate River & in Stead head directly Westerword’s across the Land in the belief that this shall save us both Time & Effort—but I fear that we shall not gain much by it if we do not aquire Hoarse Pourer6. We called the Stream the El Gato River in honour of our late diseased7 Iberian whom we all agree had the Nine Live’s of his Name’s Sake yet when he came to the Tenth he had to pay the Piper just like the rest of us less blessed Mortal’s having come some Twentey Sixx Anglickan Myles this Day.
[Crandall] Saturnday the 31st of July, 1802
After setting off after brakefest we kept traversing the diseven terraine strait to the Westward’s, maintaining a Lusty Pace thru out much of the Day with you’re occasional Rest Stop. But in the late Afternoon we encountered some Trees in a sunny Valley which possassed large Phruits which the Men insistated upon the partaking of—but we told them upon Paine of Court Marshall to refrain from doing so since none of us including GSW had ever encountered such a Phruit before. For it could vary well be of the Venomous Variety & then where would be should all of them up & dye on us. But the Men emplored us most bathetickally to let them partake of this Prohibitioned Phruit for they have been deprived of Phruits & Vegetables for a perillous quantity of Time now & they worried they was being deprived of essential Vitamins & Nutriments & felt that they was starting to feel it: a listlessness, an absentmindedness, a bleeding from the Gumms, Heir Loss, &c., &c8. Francis Key even got down on his Knee’s & begged my Comrade Murry & me to allow them to eat of it tear’s streaming down his Face, Snot bubbeling out from his distended Nostrile’s, his Knee’s grinding into some of the Over Rype Phruit which had fallen from the Trees of it’s own Volition & was now discomposing, Insects busily bussing all us, whilst the Others clasped their Handz in front of them supplicatingly in ordure to achieve the maximal affect when it came to stryking the most dolefull Chord’s uppon one’s Hart String’s. One could not help but relent—but we did so with an one Important Caveat: which was that today only Francis would be permitted to eat one of the Phruits & after a few Hourz’s if he appeared not to suffer any Adverse Affect’s he would be aloud9 to eat an Other One before Bed. And should he arise in full possession of both his Bodily Health & his Witt’s (that is what little Witt’s he could be said to possess) the Rest of the Men would then also be aloud10 to partake. In short Francis would be the Ginny Pigg, to which both he & the rest of the Corpse readily agreed. But my Comrad Moray & my Self made it selfevidentally clear that should any of the Other’s be caught preemptorally partaking of these Prohibitioned Phruits that not only would they be whipped as per Amerikaan Marital11 Law but they would additionally ruinate every One’s chances of eating of the Phruit. The Men appearing amenable to this Arrangement & Francis Kaye immediately getting the okeh arose from of his Knee’s with an alacrity which belied his previously lachrymose status & started to reach for the nearest Phruit at Hand. But the Men shouted for him to hold his Hand & not be so hastey, for they had spotted Other’s which appeared both bigger & more ripened which they begged him to consider of rather then be so impacient as to just devour the nearest one out of Pure Lasiness. Francis to his Accreditation stayed his Hand & harkened unto the Advise of his Compatriot’s—but the Problem was that depending on a Myriad of Factor’s not the least of which was Sharpness of Vision & also varying interperpretation’s of how Ripeness manifested it’s Self he was provided with such a vast Number of ever changing Suggestion’s about which Phruit to pluck that he was as if caught betwixt half a docen Scyllas & Caribbidusses, hastily going this Way then halting & going that Way guided by the Shout’s of his Comrades, twisting his neck to & fro, his Eyez darting nervously in Varietal Direction’s according to the fevered pointing’s of the Men, all the while all of us fallowing him yet deeper in to the Grove in Quest of the Ideal Phruit, a sweet rancid smell pungent in the Aire & numerous Flies & Wasp’s bussing all around us. In Deed Hu got stung so badly on the side of his Face that his One Good Eye swelled up till it was all most shut, pour retch. But just when they appeared to have arrived at a Mutual Agreeance & settled on the largest, ripest, likeliest looking Phruit which they could see some One would inevitably spot an Other one which would peek every One’s interest & the Game would continuate. Finally my Comred Mory & me had to insist that they just settle for One with in the Space of Two Minuet’s12 or else we would with draw our Offer & with much grumbeling the Men concented settling on One that in my Opinionation was neither as large nor as rype as a few of the Other’s they had all ready passed up but such is Humanoid Nature that we oft decline the Best in the Hope’s of securing a nonexistant Better13. The Phruit in Question was perhap’s Fifteen Anglickan Feat above us, near the End of a Branch which appeared not nearly strong enuff to climb out upon, & in Deed it seamed to bend & groan under the Wait14 of the several Pendulous Phruits which hung upon it like so many [space left blank] upon the [space left blank] of a [space left blank]15. So the Men then devised to construct a Humanoid Pyramid to reach it despite the Protestantism of my Comrade Murray & my Self, for we thought it not worthy of the Hassel since they’re appeared to be equally delicious looking Phruits with in easy Reach. But the Boyz would have none of it—for once they have their Mind’s set upon some Thing there is no dislodging them, which is both their Maine Strength & their Achille’s Heal. The Men then deliborated as to how best to erect this Humanoid Pyramid & their discussion was desultory & scattered, not to mention overlong—so much so that I begun to waxx tiresome & a little dissy but not unpleasantley so, for it was hot & humid in this Grove—& ’twas not till the Men finally begun to formation their Stair Case to the Heaven’s as it were that it became selfevident unto me that both their straunge indecisiveness & lack of mental claritie & mine own currant Brain Giddiness might just be attributibuttal unto the decaying Phruit which now lay thickly about our Feat, having long fomented16 in the Summertime Heet, the Essence of which had not only entered but ransacked our Nostrile’s & vary Brainz with it’s putrid Fumez of Rank Fertilitie. They first formed a Basis of Four Men on all four’s then Two Other’s stood atop them with Francis then joining these two who genitally17 levitated him up with in reach of the Phruit in Question. But just as Francis’s Fingers was grasing the Fruit the whole structure begun to sway & before he could clasp his Hands round the Prise the Foundation gave way, Francis pour retch dropping to the Ground like an over rype Phruit. They tried once again with similar Result’s till we told them that such foolishness had to be put to an End before Francis broke his Neck: so taking it upon my Self to select a Phruit I found one near at Hand which to my Eye looked just as big & delicious as the One they had been unsuckcessfully grasping at & said that Francis had better just eat this One or none at all. The Men bocked at First but I was adamantine as was my Comred Murrie so they relented having no Other Optcion & I placed the Phruit I had selfselected in to the Awaiting Handz of Francis which trembled I know not weather from Fear or Excstacy. But let me digress a bit before the Endowment18 of this Sagga in Miniature & describe the Phruit’s Appearance & it’s Demention’s which probabley yet remain’s rather opaque in the Mind of the Reader. The Phruit is rather large about the size of your average Infante’s Head, possessing a fine film of Fuss not unlike that of a Peech’s & like a Peech it is orangish slash reddish in Hugh when in it’s fully rypened state. Unlike the Peach it is not completely round but rather bolbous in configuration not unlike the Pare19. In these Aspects all tho some what novelle as far as Phruit’s go it was not so straunge nor remarkable appearing to be a Phusion of the Pare & the Peech—but what set this particular Phruit apart from the Pack so to speak was it’s similaritie at least regarded from a certain angularitie to the Humanistick Frame. For the majority of the moore ryper One’s when regarded from a certain Perspective appeared to be Phat Jollie Bolbous Men or may be Obese Babies reminscient of the Stout Pare of Monarch’s we’d lately encountered in our Travail’s back to the Easternward’s. For the lower Parte possasses no small resemblaunce unto Distended Bellies while up top where things taper off there seam to be the outlines of a Humanoid Face with small dimple’s where the Eyes mite be said to be as well as an horizontall line which mite just be construed to be a Mouth slightly twisted upward’s at the ends which could be interpated as a Smile. Also many of them appeared to have some vertical tendon’s or bump’s which kind of appeared to be commensurate with Armz. For a moor exacting depiction I kindley refer the Reader to my Sketch Booke in which I have taken the Time to portray it rather painsteakingly from various Angel’s20. Francis upon recieving the Phruit from my Hand’s like a Living Sacramant trembled to behold it rite there in front of him ready for the partaking of while the rest of the Corpse gathered in a tightly knitt Circlette around him in ordure to recieve as much Secondhand Gratification from it as they possibley could, admonishing him in the Fowlest Term’s to wait till they all had got a Good View before sinking his Canine’s in to it. I also was curious to see how this Scene would unfold it’s Self but than I started to feel rather sick what with the closeness of all these filthy sweaty Bodies along with their Rancid Breadth’s copulated with the heady putrescence emanating from the rotting Phruit all about us as well as the Numerickal Incest’s bussing all about us incenced at our Trespassal’s upon their Feasting & Spawning Ground’s—for doubtless they was laying Egg’s in the vary rotting carcasses of Phruits which they was currantly pheasting upon, brazenly defying the Ancient Injunction that One should not defecate where One dine’s. Francis with all Eyes upon him cradeling the Phruit in his cupped Hands before him paused dramatickally evidentally savouring what he was about to do as well as the Attention connected there unto & viciously sunk his Fangs in to it. And raising his Head up he then begun to chew upon the large Chunk he had extracted, masticating most loudly with the Juice streaming from the sides of his Mouth & also down his Chine. The Men then begged to learn from Francis how it tasted, for it was difficult to tell adjudging from the look on his Visage weather it was a pleasant taste or horrid or some where in between, for his Eyes kind of rolled around & he screwed up his face in a rather Queer Way. Apparently he had taken quite a large byte for he just stood there masticating & slurping & rolling his Eyes about & screwing up his Face for quite some time till the Men waxxed vary impacient & begun to berate him & even shove him a little for not enforming them about the Phruit’s Flavour. Which of coarse caused him to choke & splutter & cough up that which he yet had left in his Mouth, & he coffed & spluttered so much that the Men was repentent of their impacience & solicitouslie patted him on the back & commiserate with his Plite. Finally Francis recovering from his bout of Coffing but yet still weak in his throat in a thin, quiet raspy Voice said, “It’s good. It tastes good. Kind of like a Peech but a little mellower & not so tart. I like it, I really, really like it!” He then sunk his Fangz in to the Phruit once again & as he chewed this Time the Men peered over his shoulder to see what it looked like inside but Space was limited so they begun to push & pull each Other out of the way which once again jostled Francis pour retch who apparently got some of the Phruit up in to his Nasal Passage & so begun to coff & sneese till we had to ordure the Corpse to back off & let him be until he finished off the Phruit. Our Wordz was not heeded at first so being much angered by their Recalcitrance I brandished my Sabre & yelled for them “to back off fourtwidth or else feel the Wraith of my Blade, you Hoarson Knave’s you!” Which like Dumb Cattle they fourthwith did but so enchanted they all was by the luscious bulbous Phruits dangeling all about them that my Comred Murry & my Self instantaneouslie resolved to lead them to an encampment out of the immediate Orbit of this Grove for we feared that Temptation would be unresistable should we lingar here. Plus the Insect’s were sufficient to drive One madd. So we continuated on for about an Anglickan Myle to the Westward’s & selected a suitable spot beneath an Indentation in a Rocky Craig which would not only proffer us a little Protection from Inclement Wheather but also serve as a Blockade of our Backsides from any sodden incursions from the dredded Greyish Bare. Before departing the Grove I took it upon my Self to select an Other Phruit which would serve as a late Nite snack to Francis should he outsurvive the Initial Onslaught wraught upon his Stomach. We did not trust the Men sufficiently to send out a delegation of Hunterz so we all expended the Remainder of the Day with in our Encampment dining upon jerked meet & seeing no Reason to set a Fyre for it was worm21 out. At bed time of coarse all the Men gathered round to spectate Francis’s devouring of his Second Phruit for he as of yet has felt no adverse Affect’s from the First One. This Time he managed to devour it moor or less with out Incident & the Men was also moor subdued & they willingly took turn’s strolling over to peruse it & favourabley commenting on it’s juicy pulpiness in delicate Tone’s like the finest of Connissewer’s, their lustfull Visage’s appearing most Ghoulish in the flickering fyre lite22. We came perhap’s Twentey Anglickan Myles today.
Illustration by De Robles
Ceased
This is the first recorded sighting of the Great Middle Eastern Sapsucking Hummingbird.
Acme
Unfortunately Crandall’s sketchbook has been lost in the sands of time—but hopefully it will one day be recovered.
Crandall evidentally did not know the exact amount of time off the top of his head so he left these blanks to fill in later—something it seems he never got around to.
Horse power
Deceased, presumably.
The Corps may indeed have been suffering from scurvy.
Allowed
See above.
Martial, presumably.
Minutes
Crandall is here either consciously or unconsciously quoting The Analects of Kleosiddarthos 5.13.2.
Weight
Evidently Crandall was going to supply a simile here at a later date but never got around to it.
Fermented, presumably.
Gently
Denouement?
Pear
See above.
Warm
But Crandall had just stated that they had not set a fire.