[Crandall] Fryeday the 8th of May, 1801
It commanced to reign hard during the Nite & the Thunder & Lightening was most percussive & bombastick & not at all conducise to sleep. We sat huddled with in our Tents which could barely with stand the Onslaught’s of Dame Nature all of the Mourning anticipating a let up but no let up did occurr, so my Cumred Moray & my Self bad the Men pack up their Thingz & get going. For we wish not to loose any extraneous Days, for the Prime Month’s to cross the Grate Montaigne’s are Julie, Augustus1, & perhap’s the first half of Septembre, & if we are not completely through them by this time you can be sure that we shall never leave them & Leinad’s Omnibus2 Wordz shall come to full phruitionment. We oared forward’s with the Keyes in the Dugout as our avante guarde, & all tho the reign let up just a Thadd it did not fully siese the Hole of the Day, & so under Grey Skye’s we made our way Easternwords in mute solemnity, encamping on the north side of the River, having ventured a meagre nine Anglickan Miles this day. Approximately two Anglickan Miles upstreem from last nite’s encampment sight we saw a largish stream emptying into the Mother River on the north side which we called River C-13, since we are at a loss for interesting sounding appellations & no Body seamed to be in the creative mood do to the crumbly Whether4. There was also a smallish island approximately one Anglickan Mile from where we encamped tonight which we called Island C-2.
[Crandall] Saturnday the 9th of May, 1801
The Priestess gave berth today. For so long I had lulled my Self in to forgetting that she was really impregnationed & the looseness of her rather unflattering Flannelle Robe only aided me in this Self Deception. The day started off beautifully—the Rein had seized & good old Helios had raised it’s self up with maximum Splendour & the mourning begun to waxx worm5 prematurely while the Corpse was busied with the packing up their Thingz. But then Dan’l Kaye—may the Godz bless him in all his Innocents—came up to me & told me sheepishly that the Searess had pissed her Pants & pissed her Pants big time, & that he required some Thing to soak it up with, a pool having formed on the flour6 of the Hold. Having studied humananoid biologie & being well versed in the ways & means of Feminist Anatomy I knew at once that the Pour Retche’s water had broke—& I felt the most paralysing of Horrour’s. “For,” I said unto my Self, “what could possibly be moor trecherous an Undertaking then an Anglickan Woman giving berth way out here in these Wildz? And what shall we do with the Babe when—or if rather—it survives? Shall we lugg it acrost a Continent—when what it really require’s is a Sterile Nursery? What shall we do with the Thing? This is an exploratory Expedition after all, not a dammed Day Care!” It mite strike the Reader as passing strange that Consideration’s such as these had not entered in to my Cerebellum since discovering our Sacred Stowe Away. In my Defence I must say that they had but no doubt do to their Vexatious Nature I chose not to dwell upon them but just allow them to pass out of my Mind to be worried about at a Latter Day Date. Such is Humanoid Nature—but I as Co-Lieder of this Expedition it’s true should of exhibited a bit more foursite in this Regard. Also I think I thought that the vary Notion of our Corpse gaining an Infantile Member was just too Absurd an Image to entertain. Any Way, brushing all this aside I scrambled down in to the Hold fourthwidth & stepped directly in to a pool of liquidity on the Flour7 making up for what it lacked in depth in breath8. “Captain Crandall,” enunciated the Profitess, who was slumped upon some Bagz of Floor9, “I’m so sorry for the mess. I think I drank too much Milk last nite before bed & it weakened my Bladder a bit. I sent Dan’l to go fetch me some Thing to sop it up with. I don’t suppose we could use some of the Costumes from Oidipuss to mop it up with, could we? Once again, I’m so sorry for the mess!” I reckoned she was but joshing at first but ’twas then that I knew that she was just as naive & unlettered in the Way’s & Mean’s of Feminist Biologie as Daniel Kaye was. I then bad Danielle to rummage amongst our Thing’s & with draw what ever stray Material we had on hand & sop up the water which the Searess had jettisoned, & just as he was on the cusp of completing his Mission, the Searess begun to gasp & groan & I knew the Contraction’s was commencing. “What’s wrong with her?! What’s wrong with her, Cap’n?! Is she dyeing, is she dyeing?! O please don’t let her dye! I’ll dye in her place, yes I will!” Daniel shouted wringing his Hands & running them thru his greazy Hare alternately. I told him to shut up just before beslapping him on the Face instructing him to head back outside & inform the rest of the Corpse that we would be remaining here for the Remainder of the Day & to specifically request Captain Murry to come down into the Hold pronto. My Cumrade Murrie soon jutted his Head in & before he even uddered a Werd he surmized what the True Scenario was & immediately said that he would start some water a-boiling & also go get GSW & Coultier, who mite be of some useage in these Matter’s. Rather snappishly I yelled at Dan’l to finish his mopping up so that the Profitess could lie upon the Floor & after he had soaked up as much Moisture as conceivable I told him to run & fletch10 my Bison Robe which was still probably draped over my Trunk, for I still use it at Nite because after the Son synch’s11 it still waxxes pretty cold in these partes. In fact I have never experienced such a durastick Diffarance in Nite Time & Day Time Tempertures, the Causation of which still alludes me—all tho it must have some Thing to do with our relative Altitudinousness above See12 Level, for even tho we appear to be on a flat level Plane we have no doubt ascended no small distance since leaving the Miarhpe Village. Actually it was just last Nite that I awoke to see my Breadth13 emanating in Billows in front of my Face & found it necessary to berry14 by Head under my Bison Robe in order to accurately detain my internal Heet. Our nearness unto the River may also account for this, for no doubt it chiefly consist’s of run off from the Montaigne’s who’s Ice & Snoe are just beginning to liquefy, & so the temperture of the Water remains mighty low & this coolness is wafted unto us by Proxy. The Priestess’s grones & shrieks sent Jolt’s of Nervous Fear thru me & I sware I felt all the Paine that she felt as if our Bodies & their adjacent Nerves was intraconnected. GSW sat next to our the Mother To Be & held her hand & begun to caress her Cheek but the Searess seamed to be none too keen on these Demonstration’s of Sympathy & Compassion but thrust GSW away so forcefully that the pour retch toppled to the Flour. I was just about to run out to check on where in Hades the Items I had requested had gotten to & why in Hades they was taking so long in arriving when down stumbled Dan’l with my Bear Robe which I quickly spread upon the flour & then had GSW & Dan’l lower the Profitess down upon it, which was a slow & painefull Process & it pained me much to see the Profitess’s Face, usually the vary Portrait of resolute & selfsatisfied Femininitie now coiled up into hyperbolick Expressions of Agonie. My Comred Murry soon brought down the boiling water as well & I also axxed Coultier to fill a Cup full of Ardent Spirit’s—& when he brought it me you should of seen the look of surprisal on his Face when I downed a big swigg of it before administering it to the Priestess. For I required some Thing to calm my Nerve’s & was every bit in need of it as she. After the Priestess had ingested some Alcohall & ingested a little moor on top of that I told her that she would feel Contractions growing shorter & shorter as the Baby made it’s Debut in to this World, & I then started to lift up her Robe to have a look Down Under in ordure to assass the Status of Thingz—in Reaction to which she kicked me full in the Chest, the force of which sent me careening backwards upon my Back, & as I upbraided the Searess for such mean Treatment doled out upon one who after all was trying to aide her, I felt a sodden15 reocccurance of my long dormant Back Payne & was soddenly rendered deimmobilized. Murry & his “Jean” attempted to lift me back up to my Knee’s but the Sensation was so Atrocious that I immediately screamed for them to stop & just lay me back down upon my back for the time being. So what they did was move the Profitess over a bit & then slowly transferred me over onto the Bison Robe as well rite next to the Profitess. I don’t know how long I lay there for having been administered with additional Ardent Spirit’s I suckumbed to the embracement’s of Morpheos till I was rendered fully awake by the Searess’s shrieks sounding directly in to my Left Ear. Attempting to get up to oversee the Berth ’twas all in vane for my Back continuated to paine me emmenseley so I instructed her to take profound Breadth’s up thru her Nose Holez & then slowly let out said Breadth’s from out of her Orel Cavity, modeling such Behaviour for her which did seam to help. I then instructed my Comradd Murry to have a look at her Vagina & see if there was any Progression being made down there but he was highly hesitational to do such a Thing so he passed the proverbial Buck unto GSW to take a Look but the Priestess preempted us saying, “I’m sorry, my Deer! You do not quite qualifie! May be in a moor Enlightened Age then our’s is you would pass Mustard16 but we Priestess’s must fallow the Dictation’s of Longstanding Tradition which say that any Personage possessed of a Mail Member must not look upon One of our Illque in the Nudist State!” We did not translate any of this to GSW how ever because there was no feasible Reason to plus we wished to spare her Feeling’s. For according to her Tradition’s it is how One feel’s on the inside that count’s when it come’s to the Classification’s of Genre17 rather then the Possession of this or that Body Parte—& ‘twas then that I chimed in with some Thing I had long held back but saw no Reason for to hold back any longer: “There is one moore Female amongst us in this here Hold, my deer Searess, & tho it might paine her to be revealed for what she is I think it holy18 appropriate that she now make her Secrete Commune Knowledge sacrificing her Self so to speak for the goode of you’re futuristick Off Spring.” The Profitess then shouted, “It’s you, isn’t it, Phillipp!? You’re a Woman! I knew it!” Quickly disabusing her of this Notion I axxed her to take an Other stabb to which she respondated, “Then it’s Captain Murry then! I all ways wondered why he could never cultivate a decent Beard! Now I know!” I disabused her of this second Theoreum & bad her guess againe. In between Contraction’s she then said, “‘Tis Dan’l then—I all ways thought such a Sweet Nature was naturally moor feminist then mail! May the Godz bless you, my Sweet Dan’l, whom I shall now look upon as a Daughter rather then a Sun!” For a Third Time I was forced to disabuse the much confused Searess & she then waxxed most exacerbated saying she had no Time to engage in such Guessing Games for she was about to give Berth after all. I then bent my Gas over toward’s Coultier who knelt there with averted Gase & said, “Well, by the Process of Elimination you should be abel to figure out who the Feemale is even in you’re hysterickal state since there’s only One moor Parson19 remaining.” “Who?!” said the Searess. “Coulter?! Don’t be riddiculous! I sware I’ve never met a moor masculine Sole then his is!” “Fine then!” I replied, “It’s me who’s the Reel Woman!” & with this I sat up to pull up her Robe to have a look—for I was sick of this squeamishness on her parte which could vary well engender20 the Existance of her Childe. But my Back Paine would not allow me to plus the Preistess kicked up such a ruckuss that Coltier instantaneously chimed in & said, “Okeh, I’ve been caught crimson-pawed. Guilty as charged. So what of it?” I immediately told her the what of it was that she would be the Midwife in this Currant Scenario but that she should follow my Instruction’s to the vary Lettre. She next siddeled over to the Crotch of the Priestess & begun to lift up the Priestess’s trademark Flannal Robe but the Priestess promptly protested saying she was as yet unconvinced that Coltier was really a feemale & that perhap’s some elaborate Pranque was being played upon her. I told her that she should take our Werd for it but the Profitess, sweat now glistening & bespeckalling her twisted Face replied that she would not take my Werd for it at all— for I was a Changeable Mann, an irreliable Mann, a Mann mercurial & prone to Phits of Irrationalitie & Pique—but that were Captain Moray on the Obverse Hand to sware that in Coutlier we had a Woman & not a Mann she would be well satisfied, for as every One well knew Captain Murry’s Werd was his Bondage. Now if the Reader is pussled as to how a Woman in the vary Throw’s of Childe Berth could be so argumentative & downrite oratorickal let me just say that their pusslement is shared by me. My Commred Murrie who seamed to be in a dase after no small Quantity of prodding on my & his Jean’s parte finally uddered the Decisive Verdict that his Jean was a Woman thru & thru as he unconsciensley ran his Hand thru his Heir, pour retch. “Vary well then,” agreed the Profitess, “go ahead & have a look.” Most cautiousley did Colteer creep up to the Searess & lift up her Robe to probe inside it’s Dark Recesses with confounded Eye’s. “I’m gonna need a Lanthorne here,” uddered Coultier, & a Lanthorn was promptly given her by Murry who had soddenly sprung to Life as it were. “Now what am I looking for here?” axxed Coultier, & I queried weather or knot any Head had begun to appear to which the answer was a resounding Negative. “Can you try to putsch a little?” I axxed the Profitess & she did not reply, but I could tell by the Sound’s she was emitting that she was indeed putsching, yet still no Thing did not peak out from her Womb according to Culter, so that all we could do was weight21. The pour Searess lay there moaning & screaming rite there next to me upon the Flour there for several Hour’s, making occasional sallies to try & putsch out the Babe who seamed to refuse to enter in to this World of Whoa22, at War with both Fate & Mann, evincing a strong Desire to for ever remain a Foetus. In Deed I begun to fear that some Thing was seriously amiss in the Province of Denmarque & that the Babe had somehow rapped it’s Self up in it’s own Umblilickal Cordage or else got turned over the wrong way, which must spell inevitable Death both to it & it’s Mom. I tried my best to keep an Eye upon how the Proceeding’s was proceeding but each time I made the minutest Movement of my Neck or even my Eye’s I experienced an inquisitive23 Pain that buggar’s all Explication. Varily, I do believe I was in as much paine if not moor so then our Searess who lay beside me in duplicitous Battle with her vary own Progeny who seamed to refuse to enter in to this World of Whoa—& who among us could blame him? Yet for all that Life is not so wretched as the Tragedian’s profess & there are Moment’s of Bliss that make all the Other Period’s of Retchedness well worth it. As the Profitess’s tumultuous cries entered in to my Head I felt as if they was emanating from with in me, & that thru shear brute force of Proximity that I was giving Berth along with her, the Pair of Us undergoing the selfsame Pang’s upon a cingle Bed of Payne. In a rare Lull betwixt screams of agony—whether they was mine or her’s I was unsure—I soddenly heard an Artillary of Thunder swiftly fallowed by vollies of Raindrops hitting the Deck up above us as if it was Enemy Gunfyre. I then axxed Coltier if any Thing was appearing yet & he24 replied in the Negative, so next I queeried my Cumrade Murry as to just how many Hour’s we had so far expended in the awaiting of the Berth of this Baby & to my surprisal his answer was, “Seven.” My thought’s immediately stretched out towards the pour Woman at my side who seamed to be doomed to a Death out here in these Far Eastern Wildz, so full of Hope’s for her Childe-to-be but all for not. More Thunder, closer this Time erupted & the Profitess gasped horrendously, & I thought for sure she was giving up the proverbial Goats, for a gutteral cry came up thru her Throat which in all it’s breathless raspiness was a Swann’s Song if I ever heard one. I then blindly searched for her Hand & finally found it, grasping her rite hand in my own left one & to my horrour her Hand was clammy & cold as the clay, & I knew that she was dead. Thunder clanged againe, & then from the Coroner of mine Eye I saw Colter fumbling with some Thing ’neath the folds of the Priestess’s Robe & then hold up a bloody, filth-covered thing which squirmed like an Amphibian with a jiggeling Rope of Flesh attached to it. “Now what do I do?” loudly axxed Coutlier, her Eye’s wilde & feverish, her Hand’s bloodied up to the Elbow’s struggling to hold on to the squirming Infante. But I did not answer his question but instead begun to eulogise thus: “The Priestess is dead. May her Godz be with her & guide her & bless her & may she find the Piece25 in the After Lyfe which she found it impossible to possess here, pour retch. She was a Woman of the Olde Stock, harty & headstrong, perhap’s a bit backward’s, yes in many Matter’s but none the less possessing a Vigour & Gusto that you’re moore urbane & worldly Feemales decidedly lack. She was Devout to a Fault Line, you mite even venture to say suprastitious—but what she lacked in Whizdumb & Formal Education she made up for in Pluck & Grit. May the Godz have marcy upon her Sole.” “Not so fast, Captain Crandall,” said a Voice to my immediate left, a Voice which was accompanied by a Vigorous Squeezement of my Left Hand which made it smart. “Report’s of my Death have been grately exacerbated,” said the Searess who had regained Conscienseness after her late Struggle to introduce a New Existance in to this World of Whoa who was now vary much alive & in fact not dead at all. “Now let me see my Mann Childe!” she shouted letting go my Hand & taking up the Babe in her awaiting Armz it’s Cordage still intact. After dispensing Instruction’s as to how to cut said Cordage Cutler & GSW superintended the warshing of the Babe, who was but a puny, skinny, ugly Thing. None the less you could tell the Searess doted upon it instantaneouslie but what was a bit Erie was that the Babe did not even cry but just winced & squirmed silently: hardly the product of a God, I thought. “I shall call him Alexandros, after the Makedonian King. For I foursee a Destiny no less brilliant for my Sun than that of his name’s sake. He’s already conquered my Hart, that much I can tell you.” And ’twas then that I saw reel tearz bubble up from the Profitess’s Eyes, the first I have ever seen her shed. In Deed she was quite keane on keeping the Placenta & Umblickal Cordage, since it is a tradition amongst the Womynfolk in our mutual Home Town to boil them down in to a Soup which supposedly has healthy physiologickal affect’s if imbibed by the Mother: a disgusting Practice, one & the same as Canniballism in my Opinionation. There was various bussel & hussel about the Hold in ordure to make our New Mother comfortable & of coarse the Rest of the Corpse clamoured to see the New Edition26 to the Expedition but Murry sagaciously forbade it, telling them that they would see the Babe in Dew27 Time & that what the Mother & Childe now needed was some Alone Time & Rest completely free from the Maddening Crowd.
Illustration by De Robles
August
Ominous
Crandall seems to have altered the Corps’ system for naming things, putting the letter before the number rather than vice versa. See the entry for May 4, 1801.
Due to the crummy(?) weather
Warm
Floor
See above.
Breadth
Flour
Fetch?
Sun sinks
Sea
Breath
Bury
Sudden
Muster
Gender
Wholly
Person
Endanger?
Wait
Woe
Exquisite?
Having already outed Coultier as a woman, Crandall here betrays a lingering confusion about the gender of their interpreter slash mountain man.
Peace
Addition
Due