"I decided to name her Reason, after Man’s chief extinguishing Characteristick..."
August 26-29, 1800
[Crandall] Whensday the 26th of August, 1800
After braking my Fast I went down to the River to inspect our Ship & finding every Thing in parfect Shape & caressing her Side’s I realised we had not yet named the Thing. So I decided to name her Reason, after Man’s chief extinguishing1 Characteristick which like this Ship shall guide us thru the treacherousness of the Unknown Wilderness & aide us in adding to Mann’s Store House of Knowledge & also to cymbalise that we as a Species is finally starting to exit an Age of Fear, Suprastition, & Cruelty & entering in to a New Age of Claritie & Reason. Staring in to the Eyes painted upon her Prow it all most seemed as if she could read my Thought’s & in turn was telling me that she was ready for every Thing & any Thing that Fate shall toss our Way. I next supravised the loading of the ship the Content’s of which are the fallowing2:
11 barrels gunpouter3
1 tonne Ballz
12 barrels Ardent Spirit’s
3 crates Classickal Literature
25 rifle’s
6 barrels of lickorice
1 Statue of Precedent Torso
25 Sabre’s
1 tonne flower4
1 half tonne Psalt5
10 leatherbound Notebook’s6
12 retractable Cotts
8 barrels molasses
55 collapsable Cage’s
15 barrels Coffey
50 lbs. Switzer Chocolate
10 pickaxes
100 decorative Knive’s
100 Medallionz (small)
50 Medallionz (midsized)
25 Medallions (large)
1 bottle fine Shampane (to be drunk on our arrival at the Great Eastern Ocean)
35 flannel shirt’s
35 cotton breeches
5 crates dried Cranbarrie’s
20 copper kettles
3 docen pocket mirrour’s
10 spooles of colored Ribband’s
2 Astrolabes
104 miniature Amerikaan Flaggz
100 varycoloured Banananandas7
300 cylinder’s Travel Waivers8
After seeing to the proper bestowal of all the Above & setting a strong Guard upon Reason I dashed off an Epistle to my Cumradd Murry who is presently patiently awaiting my arrival in New Babbelon enforming him that I should arrive no later than September the Third9.
[Crandall] Thorsday the 27th of August, 1800
I arose appreciably before Don10 this Mourning & aroused the Men out of their Bunk’s with Maximal Clamour intending to instill the Fear of Hades in to them one last Time before setting out on our Grandiose Journey. And all tho they are fully enlisted Army Men their service on this Expedition is totally voluntary, lured no doubt moore by the Promise of Novelistick Experience then the rather poultry11 Wages which they shall accrew, pour retches12. A brief sketch of each Mann ensues:
SARGEANT HU is a rather Tall, burley Fellow in every Way you’re archetypal Soldier given to brief flashes of Furry13 alternating with extreme amiabilitie. Strong of Arm & Legg, he has a penchant for strange Ejackulations of abstruse strype.
SARGENT WATT on the Opposite Hand is as nondescript as Hu is flambouyante, being of medium Heighth, rather soft spoken yet you could not quite say Shy, Temperant in Manure’s14 & vary diligent in all Duties, only speak’s when spoken to, a bit of a Cypher actually.
PRIVATE EASTBROADWAY, a Fellow of refulgent eyes & a nervous Manor15, has very thicke Wrist’s & a special talent for whistling. He apparantley studied for the Priesthood but found the Lifestile too sedimentary16. He carries a small Idyll17 of Athena with him at all Time’s—cradles it & kisses it, &c., &c., frequently—& as One would guess is of a rather suprastitious Caste of Mind.
PRIVATE DELANCEY is a bit moore educated then the Other’s, possesses a rather Romantickal Mindset & is constantley composing Poems yet for all that an expert Soldier & Backwoodsman. Additionally he is a dedicated Homosensual preferring Mail Beauty to the totale Exclusion of that of the Feemale Species openly proclaiming that the Feminist Form is ungainley & cumbersome. Yet the Other’s doth protest saying that what could possibly be moor ridickulous than a Mann’s Pudendum flopping around like a Fish on Dry Land betwixt his pumping Legg’s as he runs?
PRIVATE ESSEX, an abel bodied, reliable Mann true to his Visage has a charming way of all most constantley emitting low decibal laffs or else quietly sorrowfull Whimper’s depending on Circumstance’s which ecchoe’s his Psysiognomy, for the One Side of his Mouthe is turned down do18 to Parallesis while the other side is turned up19. Additionally he is also a Consummate Marxmann.
After drilling the above Men hard I then lined them up out side the Wall’s of Forte Xenophon & subjected them to my preprepared Harangue which ran thus. “Gentilemen, you have volunteered to be part of the Transcontinental Exploratorie Corpse of Eastwerd Expansion, & I both applaud you & I pity you. I applaud you for the boldness you exhibit in you’re freely choosing to participate in this Expedition, for it well become’s a Mann to seek out Adventure & Hardshippe rather than Ease & Plenty. But I pity you also, & also any Family or Sweetharts you might be leaving behind because it is highly unlikely that you shall ever see any of them againe, at least on this Present Plane of Existance.” And with this I scanned the Visages of the Men in ordure20 to detect any Ensignia’s of Regret or Missgiving but seeing none I continuated. “For we have awaiting us countless Mile’s of untrodden Nature to cross, numerickal hostile Autochthonick Peeples to encounter, inclement Weather, straunge new Diseases, raw Rootes & Rattan Meet21 for our Diets, muddy Water for our Drink, scorching Son22 & battering Hail, sauvage Animals which doth crave the Mannflesh, Confusion & Terrour, unspeakable Fatigue & heinous Doubt—all this await’s you. And thus you shall have to say Ado23 to you’re Identities as you currantley know them since they shall be reforaged24 in the Dred Crucibel of Experience & Hardship’s Galore shall transform you in such Fashion that not even you’re Mother’s shall be recognisant of you.” At this the Bulk of the Men just grinned so I continuated in a sober, sombre vain in ordure to instill in them a much needed Gravitas concerning their upcoming Situation saying, “But one more Hardshippe remain’s which I fear may endwarf all those all ready enumerated which is the prolonged Dearth of Erotickal Companionship. For whither we are bound there are neither Sweethart’s nor Trollopes, nor any such Conduit’s for your Animal Spirit’s. Now should the Autochthonick’s offer them Selves to you—which is doubtfull since they are notoriously chaste—we expressly forbid all such Intimacies with them out of the Fear they harbour Maladies unbeknownst to us. In Other Word’s are you prepared to live the next two or perhaps three years like chastened Monks, Genitalmen or better put as Unix?” Each & every One of them assured me they had Zero Qualm’s about this & be Side’s any Way’s they all assured me they was all well versed in the Onanistickal Arts as it were. Praising their Resolve I then told them that be that as it may it was not yet too late to renegue on their Contract’s & cede their place to some Other Fellow who had less to loose25 than they did sans Penalty but it was Hu who intrajected, “By Zeus’s Rite Thigh, Cap’n Crandall! I know I speak for all of us when I say that we would rather dye than back out now, & I’ll lick the Mann who say’s other wise!” “Is that true what Sargent Hu say’s?” I axxed the Men with Inquisitive Glaunce & they all nodded acquiescentley, some with moore vehemence than Other’s. “Vary well then,” I said enforming them that we shall leave on the Marrow26 at Twelve o’ the Clock Noone. After expending the Remains of the Day in various preparation’s too tedious to be repeated I dined alone in my Lodging’s reading moor from my Kleosidarthos who remain’s an Oasis unto me in these Time’s of voracious Self Doubt.
[Crandall] Fryeday the 28th of August, 1800
I awoke with a poisonous Back Ache brought on by I know not what27 & in Deed the Paine was so ghastly I neerly postponed our Embarkation till the Marrow but then it thankfully subsided a bit after brakefest. After assembling the Men at the Barack’s I accompanied them down to the Docks where our little Ship Reason was ready & waiting for us along with some supplemental Oresmen who shall accompany us to New Babeylon since the six of us is not sufficient to propel the Kraft upstream if Windz is not favourable. The Eyes painted upon the Prow all most seamed to wink at us as we boarded her & we caste off exactly at Twelve O’clock that being the most propitious Time to begin any Journey with a heigh & a hoe & a heigh & a hoe every One Jovial as Hades, & I shouted an improvised harangue to the Men, somewhat illogickal in tenour the gist of it being, “If you are as merry & gay in a twelvemonth as you are presently you’ll proove to me you’re Ladds of a suprahumane Ilk whose like never has nor ever will roam this grandiose Orb we call the Earth againe!” To this the Men cheered even moore boisterously & I must admit that my Hart felt a tremendous Bowancy at that Moment, the wind at our Backs & the Oars moving synchronously with the deer old Banks of the New Tigress28 creeping by like scenes from happy yesteryears. We progressed Twenty Three Anglickan Miles this day & encamped on the north Side of the River.
[Crandall] Saturnday the 29th of August, 1800
We set off at Sonrise, the Godz seeing fit to dampen our Spirit’s with a gentile drisselle29. The weather made the Men quite subdude & the creaking of the Ores & the patter of the Rein30 were the principle Sounds one could here. After the high Spirits of yesterday this melancholy Moode was some what assfixiating & made us question weather31 our Hopes & Ambitions was but a dubious Mirage engendered by deceitful tales from our Boyhoods, weather the Time & Trouble inherent in such a Journey we had embarqued upon was Time well expended or ought we rather to have stayed where we was & lay down Rootes. Were we not just in Fact running away from the Responsibilities of you’re Average Citisen, for all our selfproclaimed Courage too afraid to become enmeshed in the Social Bond’s & Responsibilities which are the Lott of Mann? Plus won’t what ever each of us is trying to escape from by volunteering for this Expedition be rite there waiting for him upon his return? Additionally had we better not just leave the emmense plentitude of pristine Wilderness lying to the East alone & untrodden by the prosperity-dispensing yet plaguewritten32 Hand of Civilisation which ends up marring what ever it intend’s to improve? These was the Doubt’s which harried us we plied our Way up River. The shower let up just as we pulled into the Village of New Syracusa, how ever & the Spirit’s of the Men lifted considerably after they was treated to a Feast by the good townspeeple & engaged in a lively bout of dancing with the Buxom Lasses of New Syracusa. I encouraged the Men to wallow in the Joys of so-called civilised Entertainmint while they still could for shortly all such Pleasures shall seize33 to exist for us. We came Thirtey Two Anglickan Mile’s this day.
Mini Flag Illustration by Eamonn Fitzmaurice
Reason Illustration by John James
Distinguishing?
Following
Gunpowder
Flour
Salt
Undoubtedly these are the Journals.
Bandanas
Travel Wafers were dry, hard, nutrient-rich biscuits typically used on long ocean voyages.
Apparently Murray had departed Warshingtown for New Babylon in the spring in order to collect as much information as he could from traders and trappers and also to recruit a few non-military personnel who were expert backwoodsmen.
Dawn
Paultry
Poor wretches—a favorite phrase of Crandall’s.
Fury
Manners
Manner
Sedentary, presumably.
Idol
Due
Most likely due to Bell’s Palsy, not yet identified by science.
Order
Rotten meat
Sun
Adieu
Reforged
Lose
Morrow
This is the first mention of Crandall’s recurring backache which plagues him at various times throughout the journey. It was probably psychosomatic.
New Tigris
Gentle drizzle
Rain
Whether
Plagued-ridden, presumably.
Cease