[Crandall] Saturnineday the 24th of July, 1802
I was not afforded much Slumber yesternite since I took it upon my Self to quell the snoring of the Men when ever & where ever it sprouted up, either genitally1 nudging them, pynching their Nose Whole’s, or else slapping them upon the Cheeque’s while at the selfsame Time assuming the Duty of trying to comfort GSW who would break out into Saab’s at the drop of a Proverbial Hat. All of this Nocturnal Activity was actually a Welcome Distraction to me, for my Nerve’s had been freyed & moore then freyed by the Prospect of Fighting the Dual, a Prospect which had hung o’er me like a Damokletian Sword of Epick Proportion’s. El Gordo’s Demise was also painefull to dwell upon, a paine augmented by GSW’s Confession unto me that she had in pointe of fact murthered her Paramour. When she first uddered this I corrected her saying she had only managed to wound him & that it ’twas I that had been the True Ender of his Earthley Existance after having plunged my Blade in to his Hart. But she said I was incorrect in this Regard for just before we had exited the Maine Hall back at the Imen Village on our Way to the Dualling Groundz she had slipped Poison in to El Gordo’s Drink—the selfsame Drink with which he had toasted me & I him as per Imen Costume2, a Poison which she had ever kept in a small receptacle around her Neck which she could consume in Case of imenant Sexual Violation &/or Torture. What had attracted her Rath was his indiscrete boasting unto her that he had sired a good half docen or so little El Gordito’s & Gordita’s amongst the Maidens of the Imen’s. An Insult added to which was the Tremendous Ressentiment she felt against him for having so cruelly abandonated her with out Pryor Warning back there in the Grate Montaigne’s. And thus feeling that in so empoisoning him she would be doing both her Self, me, & the Corpse as a Hole a Huge Favour she enacted her Fell-Porpose. And after hearing this Confession I confessed that I was schocked to hear that she had committed coldblooded Murther in such a Fashion but she did not seam to think it ’twas such a Grande Thing after all. For amongst her People it is commune costume3 for Feemales to empoison cheating Paramour’s, Rival’s, &c., &c., & that from the vary Cradle they are trained in the Dark Art’s of Herbalizm & that some One (especially a Mann) parrishing4 from the Affect’s of Poison is looked upon as a disfortunate yet communeplace Occurrence just like any Other Illness. I then expressed some lurking Fear in lite of this Relevation that she had had a Hand in the Demise of the Cormourantess but she swore down & up & back againe that that was not the Case. Protesting her Innocencey thru many a Tear she then pled, “To tell any One of this please do not dare. To swear to not tell a Sole5 you must.” And so I swore an Oath not to speak a Sybillull6 of it unto any One, not even my Comradd Murry, & with this she was well satisfied7. The Other’s arousing them Selve’s with the Dawn we set off soon there after but not before enforming them of all that had transpired yesternite. So once the True Factoid’s had been revealed as it were those who had not been Direct Witnesses to them stood there amased by the Tail8 so notable for it’s Incredible Coincidence’s & Considerable Pathos. GSW’s Trechery toward’s us was glossed over, of coarse, & the Men & even Coltier to a certain extension appeared to pity her more then judge her. This Busyness being despatched we set off fourthwidth with out even setting down to partake of our Brake Fest having decided that we would waist Zeroe Time but rather partake of it “on the Hoove.” For who know’s perhap’s the Imen’s are Master Tracker’s & having been abel to discern some Small Tokenism’s of our Root9 they was now none too farr behind us. Which is why when we met a fairly siseable Stream which we dubbed Flight from the Nemi’s River we decided not to cross it but to walk strait up it’s Waterz for an Anglickan Mile or Twain so that any tell tail sign’s that we left behind would be obscured by the flowing Waterz of this cool crystalline River possessing a gravelly Bed. Even tho walking down stream would be easier we thought this would be just what the Imen’s would think we would do so we did just the apposite10. But there was Initial Abjection’s11 to this since if the Imen’s was at all clever which no doubt they was had they been abel to track us this far they would anticipate our Line of Thinking guessing that we would think that going down stream would be the Obvious Pick so we would go up stream in stead & so they would go up stream as well. Or perhap’s they was numerous enuff to send two parties both upstream & downstream to find where we had got out & so it didn’t matter which way we went after all. So then there was a strong movement amongst the Corpse to not even bother walking up or down the River at all but just continuate on our Way, till it was then suggested by I can’t remember who maybe it was Hu that perhap’s the Best Opcion was to enter the river & then walk down-river just far enough for them to think that we had taken the River Path to throw them off of our Cent but then cross over to the Other Side much sooner then they would think we would attempt to, may be just Twentey Anglickan Yard’s or so, just sufficient for them to see that we had entered the stream but also too soon for them to be as attentive as they need be. For Humanoid Nature being what it is when One is in serious search of some Thing one does not expect to encounter it rite away, & like wise the Superiour Hyding Spot is ofttimes that which is in Plane Site12. So this we did & continuated on our Way at a steady trot but the Corpse getting obsessed with the Thought that our Pursuer’s possessed Superiour Tracking Abilities started to devise Other Way’s & Mean’s of throwing them off. For example some of the Men in Pairs & Trios would temporarily separate from the Group & describe wide Arc’s on each side eventually meeting up with the Rest of Us again so that it appeared our Party had split up which would no doubt at least temporarily delay our Pursuant’s. Some of the Men who yet possessed Surplus Energies chose to do this on steepsome slope’s in ordure to bogg our Pursuant’s down even further while Other’s in their various Straying’s fearing that their Effort’s mite be in Vein13 took to deliberately braking off large Branche’s & even leaving ragged bit’s of old fabrick on thorn bushes while yet Other’s begun to carry their Compatriot’s upon their Backs like Aeneas did of old with his Father in ordure to hyde our True Number’s. Eventually in the mid afternoone my Comrade Crandall14 & my Self told them that all these Strategem’s had now be better laid aside, for they was intrafering with our Froward Progression plus we thought that they was giving our hypothetickal Pursuants way too much Accreditation. The Men protested at first so our only recoarse was to increase our Pace which we thought would shut them up & shut them up it did for so rapid did we run thru the Forest that Animalia such as Dear & Rabbit’s did not flea15 till we could practically touch them. But after not much more then an Hour Daniel Kaye sprained or at least badley twisted his Anklette, for the Ground over which we was traversing was quite uneven to say the least & One should have predicated16 that this would be the End Result. Soddenly he crashed to the Earth with his burthen & gathering round him we discovered that he could not walk on his own. His Brother Francis than said, “Well, it looks like he’s only going to be a Hindrance unto us so we mite as well get this over with as quickley as possible, don’t you think? I’ll do the Honours…” & with this he unsheathed his Pistole & made as if to set it against the Template of his Twin. He was joking of coerce & the Men was set aroar—but GSW was not at all amused by this quote unquote Joke in obvious reference to the Demize of her erstwhile Paramour & she threw her Self upon Francis Kaye with fistula’s a-flailing but we restrained her before she could enact much Damage. We all then vehemently chid Francis for his dissensitive joke & he apologised profusively, even going so far as to genuflect before the yet weeping GSW swaring that he had meant no harm by it & that El Gordo had been furthest from his mind when he had did what he did, had said what he had said. And in his begging’s for Absolution his Tearz began to out number her’s in both quantity & vehemencie so she eventually forgave him. Daniel Kaye had to be supported by a Mann on each side & of coerce our Progression was cignficantly truncated the Remains of the Day. The Land waxxed a bit more rugged as well which contributated to our Slowness, but as the Day wore on our Fearz of being o’ertaken by the Imen’s waxxed less & less poignant for we reckoned that if they had not caught us by now they never would. We came about Twentey Five Anglickan Miles this day encamping under vast Pine’s down in a Valley thru which the Moon Lite did not pierce.
[Crandall] Sonneday the 25th of July, 1802
We set off at Don once again eating Brakefest on the run, inserting Coffey Groundz betwixt our lower lipp’s & gumm’s which is so much less satisfying then the Reel Thing. Daniel’s Anklette has swollen to Outrageous Proportion’s & he must be helped by a Mann on each side just the same as yesterday. Our Progression being thus hampered we sent out an avaunte garde of Hunterz & they sleighed a Dear & a cupula Heirs17. Francis still abstain’s from doing any bouchering while his Brother is discapacitated so Delancey & the Revarand Harkness set to work on it the Revarand being a rather Daft18 Hand at it which is no Surprize for a Clerick such has him is used to applying Blades to Animalia. He is gong hoe as Hades about doing every Thing the Other Corpse Member’s do & has his Hart set upon being a reel Backwoodsman some Day. I’m afraid he has a rather rosey View of the Trade since the vast percentage of these Backwoodsmen is a Retched Ignourant Lott who all tho they dwell constantly amongst Nature have little to no respect for it, not to mention the Retched Solitude of such a Life some Time’s driving them madd. All of this I have expressed to him moor then once before but his Enthusiasm for the pursuet of his Dream persist’s unabated, & he has requested that once he has gained the Necessary Skill’s he be aloud19 to stay behind & not go so far as to New Babylon with us. I told him that I was bent toward’s letting him do so but that I did not yet think he has what it require’s to survive alone in the Wildes as of yet & my Comred Murry has seconded me on this, so he applicates to squeesing as much Lore & Tutelage out of the Other’s as he can on a Daily Basis—& the Other’s is flattered by these Attention’s especially emanating from a Learned Parson such as he. Especially One possassing an Anglickan Accent—for as much as we Amerikaan’s preen our Selve’s about our Autonomie & our Separatedness from the Stodginess of our Mother Country we is yet secretly in Ah of it, including but not limited to their Accent’s which have a moor intellectual ring to them as well as their obscure Slang Werds & Queint Turnz of Phrasalism’s. In Deed the Men do show him too much deference & it at Time’s irritates him, especially the Habbit they have of taking their Hat’s off every time they directly address him & call him Revarand even tho he don’t consider his Self a Revarand no moor for he has renunciated his Faith. He kindley request’s them to stop doing it but the Men of coarse do not stop doing it which irritate’s him all the moore so I have tried to explicate unto him many a Time that these Men are but half rationale creatures after all with all the ruff edge’s that such an Existance as their’s entail’s so bemused Tolerance was the only correct tack to take with them. It reined the earlier half of the Afternoon & today we entered even more rugged Territorie than before with rather steep Assents. After the Rein had seized a Greyish Bare appeared looking down upon us from a Highsome Rock all most directly above us & the Corpse waxxed fretsome even tho the Beast was at least a Hundered Anglickan Feat up above Us, & unless it possassed the Wings of Eagles could not possibley come down & do us any Harm. And so we proceeded on nonchaultanley paying it no moor heedance till we heard a Mighty Crash & turning to see saw that the Bare had precipitouslie flung his Self off the Top of the Rock & had landed in the Topp of a Tree down below. And we watched in psilent Horrour as it begun to shimmy down it breaking branches off on it’s downward’s decent—till it got about halfway’s down which is when we shook off our Mesmerism & ran as fast as our Thighs could carry us. But being fully aware that the Bare could easily outstrip us in any Running Race my Comrade Murray & me commanded the Corpse to Halt & in the same breadth instructed them to form a line & be ready to discharge all their Rifle’s in One Volley strait in to the Face of our Pursuant. But the Bare did not appear so we just stood there for a considerable quantity of Time with our Rifles pointed parrallel with the Earth in mute apprehension. Eventually we had to get going again but we could not trust that the Creature was not laying in weight20 for us Some Where Out There, so walking moor slowly then previous in a Tightknit Group with our Rifles at the ready we continuated on thus doing the Remain’s of the Day, having come Twentey Two Anglickan Myle’s in total today. We encamped at the Foot of a High Rocky Precipice so as to at least protect our Reir, & seeing as how the Corpse was in a Goodley Mood having excaped from the Grasp of our Pursuer’s both Ursine & Humanoid we let them have a dram of Whiskey apiece. We also alit a fyre for Greyish Bare’s generally speaking abhour Flame’s by which Gunne played & sung for a while & one song which I’d never heard him perfourm before struck me much & so I have transcribed it here:
Am I a Soldier of Scipio A follower of the Same And shall I fear with him to go Or blush to speak his Name? On the Sea Of Trazimene My Seizure is walking by the Sea On the Sea Of Trazimene My Ceaser is walking by the Sea Must I be carried to the Skye On flourery beds of Ease While Other’s fight to win the Prize And sail through Bloody Sea’s? On the Sea Of Trazimene My Seizer is walking by the Sea On the Sea Of Trazimene My Seizure is walking by the Sea There shall I bathe my Weary Sole In Sea’s of Heavenly Rest And not on Waive of Trouble roll Across my peaceful Breast On the Sea Of Trazimene My Cesar is walking by the Sea On the Sea Of Trazimene My Ceisure is walking by the Sea My Ceisure is walking by the Sea
Not to be out done our residente Warrior Poetaster coyly revealed that he had finished a Poem but he wasn’t sure if it was quite ready to be shared with the General Publick as of yet & but of coerce the Boyz begged him to resciscitate it unto them rite this second. And after hawing & hamming he eventually relented & here it is recorded for all Posteriority, written in the Poet’s Own Hand:
“ODE TO EL GORDO” A New Composition by Eustace Delancey, the “Warrior-Poet” El Gordo! Son of Iberialand! Man of Many Wiles! Hombre of Multiple Way’s And Mean’s! Seeming to be now here Now there Now every where And no where All at the same time! What drove you to such lengths! What sunk you to such depths! Breaker of Heart’s Possessor of Honeyed Tung! Hydra headed was your Whit Emmense your Cleverness Rivalling that of Odysseos’s of Olde! Yet haven’t you heard That there’s such a Thing As being too smart For your own goode? Who did you really love? Unto whom were you really loyal? No Body, but No Body Really knew! Not even You! You who could not bear The Cold of the North Nor the Heat of the South You hated us Amerikan’s Yet could not stay away from us! Self-hating & self-loving A Walking Contradiction In Name & Temperment This Inward Tension Being the Primal Locomotive Of your Life so “Loco”! Iberian Possessour Of a most grievous Misnomer! You should of been called Not “El Gordo” but “El Gato” Which signifies “The Cat” in The Castilian Dialect For like the Feline you seemed to have A Plethora of Live’s No Situation you could not survive from No Man that could murther you! Until that fatefull day in the Imen Village When our Captain Crandall Vyed with you for the Kingship Of this Brutal People Steeped in the Cruel Traditions Of their hardhearted Four Fathers Twin Joggernaut’s going Head to Head Winner Take All Loser the recipient Of a one-way ticket to Hades! Let it be said that you put up A Valiente Fight But yet Nature & her Hand Maidens The Dreadfull Triumvirate of Fates Maliciously conspired against you No doubt feeling that you Had pushed the Proverbial Envelope One time too many And so had to be cut down Harvested so to speak As all those who stick their Heads Up too high must undergoe “Por ejemplo” Julio Cesar “Por ejemplo” Futon And so it cannot be said That the innocent hand Of our beloved Captain Ended your existance But rather your own Inward Contradiction Committed murther most fowl On it’s very own Self For let’s Face It You was undone by the Tension Which was also your Fuel! “El Amour Mata” You once so famously said “El Amour Mata” For You loved your Self Too too much So you killed your Self Thru an overabundance Of Self Regard! El Amour Mata… In the Aeternal Fyre’s of Hades Let that be your neverending Mantra!
There was not a dry Eye in the Proverbial Haus at the Termination of this Poem—accept21 for mine & may be that of my Comrade Murry’s & Coltier’s as well, for as per usual all tho it had it’s Memorable Moment’s it could justly be categorised as Doggerelle. GSW, awash, said, “To pay fitting tribute to an Extraordinary Man you have done, Delancey! To thank you I wish to for doing him such Justice!” The Other’s dispensed Plaudit’s galore as well saying that he had captured the True Character of the Iberian & even tho I could not bring my Self to concur with their praise of the Poem nor of the Mann I thought it displayed a most manley character in the Corpse in this belated respect & regard for an erstwhile Enemie, & true to the character of the Amerikaan Spirit which doth never begrudge due praise to a Faux22.
[Crandall] Mooneday the 26th of July, 1802
We set off shortly after Sonrise & proceeded on over the Wooded Rockey Uneven Terrain, much on our Gardes against the encroachment of Greyish Bares but yet blessed with their nonpresence the totality of the Day. At midday we reached the Apex of a Lofty Hill from which we was afforded the View of a Lone Rocky Montaigne with a bear23 rugged topp lying to the North perhaps Fiftey Anglickan Myle’s or so away which we named Vulture Peek after our National Byrd, for in Deed the Peek resembled that most glourious Byrd the Vulture with it’s bold24 head & by the Dignified Way it seem’s to carry it’s Self. To the Westword’s the Geography continuated much the same as previous & crossing a small stream flowing down the Hill which we’d been perched upon we named it View of Vulture Peek Hill Creeque & we took the Oppertunitie to refill our Cantina’s with it’s crystalline Water’s. The Wheather waxxes hotsome & a little humid too but thankfully we are usually enshaded by lofty Pinez plus our burthen’s is not so burthesome as they once was: for we have shedd much over Time & we travail much moor lightly then previously. Daniel Kaye’s Anklette also is a bit better now & he can walk with the Asistance of a Staph. Those in front scared up a Buck which they gunned down & which we dined upon for Dinar. We encamped at the top of a small rise in Land having traversed Twentey Three Anglickan Mile’s werth of Land this Day.
Illustration by De Robles
Gently, presumably.
Custom
Common custom
Perishing
Soul
Syllable
Crandall either forgets that he is breaking his promise in the writing of this or else he is knowingly engaging in a bit of sophistry here by differentiating between speaking and writing.
Tale
Route
Opposite, presumably.
Objections
Plain sight
Might be in vain
Murray
Flee
Predicted, presumably.
A deer and a couple of hares
Deft
Allowed
Wait
Except
Foe
Bare
Bald